http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/ en megantp@hotmail.com Copyright 2012 2012-03-13T18:40:01+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/why-sex-therapy/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/why-sex-therapy/#When:21:22:00Z I began my career in 2000 as a psychotherapist working at a group home with pregnant and parenting teenagers who had been removed from their homes by the Department of Child and Family Services.  It was a given in this context that relationships, sex, sexuality and gender were going to be significant topics of discussion.  It was here that I realized how critical it is to be able to talk about these issues in a direct and nonjudgmental manner.  During this time I worked with some girls who had little idea how they got pregnant, some who were on their second or even third pregnancies, a few who identified as lesbian and transgender FtM, and many who were recovering from sexual assault and trauma.  I provided education, helped them to process their decisions, helped them to explore who they were and who they wanted to become.  Fast forward to 2007.  I had left my job at the group home in 2005 and been in private practice for several years.  I was working with a very challenging couple and decided to take a class to further my education specifically with couples and to continue to develop my specialty in relationships.  On the first day of class, the instructor said, “You cannot be a truly effective couple’s therapist and not be able to address sexual issues and you cannot be a truly effective sex therapist without being about to address couples issues.” This statement left a powerful impression on me and reinforced what I had already learned in my work with teenagers: that sex is such a significant part of who we are that therapists cannot avoid it in our work with clients.  It was at this point that I decided to begin to work towards becoming a Certified Sex Therapist so that I could more effectively focus on the whole person and the whole relationship. Through the years, I have worked with countless clients: married and unmarried, straight and gay, cisgendered and transgendered.  I have worked with people who were frustrated that their bodies were not working the way they wanted them to; couples whose communication about sex and their relationships had broken down; and with individuals who were experimenting with BDSM play and lifestyles.  Throughout, I maintained the same basic philosophy that I held while working with teenagers: all people deserve the opportunity to work with a therapist who is nonjudgmental and accepting, who will hear their worries and pain, and who will help them to find their true selves and their happiness.  My goal is to be that person and to create a safe place for clients to talk about who they are and to help them create more fulfilling relationships with themselves and their partners.  2012-03-01T21:22:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/stay-focused/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/stay-focused/#When:19:40:01Z People tend to be goal-oriented.  We decide what we want, where we want to be and we focus on it.  But sometimes this serves as a detriment.  “I am still not where I want to be.” “We are still having to work hard on this.” We get discouraged and are tempted to give up, feeling that we will never reach our destination.  What I try to help people remember is that while we do not want to lose sight of our goal, we also have to keep an eye on where we have been.  It is so important to acknowledge how far we have come and the major changes that we have made in our lives.  Keeping this in mind can be incredibly motivating and remind us that if we can come this far, we can keep going. Tips & Tools 2012-03-13T19:40:01+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/key-to-a-peaceful-relationship/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/key-to-a-peaceful-relationship/#When:00:59:01Z Tips & Tools, Love & Romance 2012-03-06T00:59:01+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/juggling-act/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/juggling-act/#When:03:36:00Z One of the things that seems to be a consistent challenge today is figuring out how to juggle all of the responsibilities that come with living in our 21st-century world.  In trying to take care of our families’ emotional, physical, financial and spiritual needs, we are consumed with work, picking up and dropping off kids at school and extracurricular activities, dinner, homework, and a million more things.  This is hard enough when we have a partner, but made even more complicated if we are single-parenting or our spouse regularly travels for work.  With all of this chaos it can be nearly impossible to find time for ourselves and our intimate relationships.  How do we ask all of this to stop so that we can take care of ourselves? And yet we have to.  We have to make the time to take care of ourselves.  When I was in school, I heard my professors say over and over again, “You cannot take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself.” And I believe that this is true for all of us.  We are not truly effective parents, employees, or partners if we do not stop to take care ourselves.  This means that maybe you lock yourself in the bathroom so that you can take a hot bath in peace once or twice a week.  Or perhaps you have a Girl’s Night once a month.  Or start running again (or whatever your exercise of choice is) and be sure to schedule that a few times a week.  Similarly we need to take time to nourish our relationships.  Maybe include your partner in that bath.  Or get a babysitter for date night.  While sometimes it can feel overwhelming to add “one more thing”, the payoff is so worth it.  You feel more yourself.  You remember who you are and why you do everything that you do. Tips & Tools, Love & Romance, Parenting 2012-02-22T03:36:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/the-top-ways-to-get-your-partner-to-do-what-you-want/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/the-top-ways-to-get-your-partner-to-do-what-you-want/#When:18:10:00Z Here are the top 5 6 ways to get your partner to do what you want: 1. Know exactly what you want. This is critical. If you don’t know what you want, then how can your partner? It is important that you know what you are asking for and to be able to be specific. Telling him to clear the table after dinner may lead to a pile of dishes on the kitchen counter. Is that what you really wanted? Or did you also want them to be rinsed and put in the dishwasher? If that is what you want, then you need to say that. “Can you rinse the dinner dishes and put them in the dishwasher while I get the kids in the bath?” You will find that you have a greater likelihood of getting what you want if you spell it out. Don’t assume that she knows what you mean. 2. Be reasonable. No one can give you the stars, no matter how you ask or how much they want to give them to you. Ask yourself, “Is this something that she can really do? Is this something that I would be willing to do?” A good way to get a gauge of how reasonable your request is to ask friends. They will naturally be inclined to take your side, but be open with them about how you really want their opinion. And then be open to hearing that maybe you are being a little unreasonable. It may sting at the moment, but might save you from a huge fight, resentment and sleeping on the couch. 3. Pick the right time. If you ask in the middle of the show that he has been waiting all week (or year) to watch, you are likely to be shot down. If you pick a moment when the kids are screaming, dinner is on the stove, and you just walked in the door, you are also not going to get the response you want. Pick a time when there are no distractions. When there hasn’t been evidence of a bad mood. When the kids are in bed and after she has had a moment to put her feet up. Before you get into bed and are about to turn off the light. No one can think clearly or be open to requests when they are exhausted and stressed. 4. Ask nicely. There is a reason your mother always told you to ask nicely. You get more of what you want than when you demand and yell. Also be aware of the tone you are using. I cannot count the number of times I have heard form couples, “It is not what he said. It is how he said it.” Ask yourself, “How would I like him to ask me to do something?” Then use those words and that tone. 5. Be willing to negotiate. There are just some things that we are not willing to do. We have to respect this in the people we love. Allow him to say, “You know, I really want to watch the Super Bowl next Sunday. Would it be possible for us to have lunch with your mother the week after?” Or, “You know, I never feel like I do a good job with the dishes. Would it be OK for you do to them, and I will start getting the kids into bed?” Then consider the request and if it seems reasonable, take it. Or you can negotiate other terms. ........ I know that it is traditional for most lists to have 5 or 10 items.  Nice, neat numbers.  But I had to add the following.  It is so critical.  And so controversial.  But it does work. 6. Do what your partner wants you to do. I can already hear the protests, “But I want her to do what I want! This is not about me doing what she wants!” However this is probably the most important way to get what you want from your partner. If you are always saying no, refusing to go along with his plans, having to be the one in charge, then how would that make him or her more likely to do it again. Instead, you are likely to get, “I always have to do what you want! What about what I want?” This will probably lead to anger, resentment, yelling and no one being happy. If you are willing to give in sometimes, then she will be more likely to give in too and do what you want. There are no guarantees, of course.  But if you follow these guidelines, you might be suprised with the positive response. Tips & Tools 2012-02-06T18:10:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/touch/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/touch/#When:17:50:00Z A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of spending time together.  Today, I want to talk about how important touch is to a relationship.  When I say touch, I mean holding hands, hugging, rubbing your partners shoulders, etc.  I mean kissing, both quickly and at length.  I mean sex.  Quick touches are a way to stay connected; to remind yourselves that you are partners in an intimate relationship, not just roommates or friends.  It is a way to reconnect after a long day, when the chaos is still swirling around you: dinner, kids, working from home, email.  A kiss when you walk in the door.  A touch on the back as you pass.  Holding hands while watching television. Sex, when it is without resentment or anger, is a way to build the intimacy even more: to be vulnerable, to connect on a purely physical and emotional level.  Sexuality is a basic human need.  It is important to us as humans.  It is important to us as partners in a relationship.  I regularly assign homework to the couples that I see that involves touch:  Touch each other.  Be physical together.  Don’t let life, chaos and resentment interfere with that aspect of your relationship.  Let go.  Let go with each other.  Touch is a powerful thing.  It is healing.  It is a way to reconnect. Tips & Tools, Love & Romance, Sex 2012-01-19T17:50:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/book-review-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-by-john-gottman-p/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/book-review-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-by-john-gottman-p/#When:22:38:00Z What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple.  Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others.  But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.  They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.  From The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D.& Nan Silver There is one book on my shelf that I am constantly having to replace.  It is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver.  I am constantly replacing it because I lend it out and don’t get it back.  It is my favorite book to lend to couples because it outlines in very easy to understand and specific ways to improve a marriage.  Dr. Gottman’s seven principles are: Enhance Your Love Map (know who your partner is); Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration; Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away; Let Your Partner Influence You; Solve Your Solvable Problems; Overcome Gridlock; and Create Shared Meaning.  Dr. Gottman’s basic premise is that you may not always like your partner, but your marriage will be more successful if you like him or her more often than not.  His book aims at helping couples to nurture these positive feelings by exploring each other’s likes, dislikes and dreams.  He also encourages readers to find things to like about each other and to rely on each other.  He also helps couples to find ways to compromise on solvable problems and come to a place of caring and empathy on the problems where compromise cannot be reached.  This book is a wonderful place for couples to start strengthening and improving their relationships.  Now I just have to get a new copy to replace the most recent one I lost.  Perhaps I will pick up two. Book Reviews 2012-01-11T22:38:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/take-some-time-together/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/take-some-time-together/#When:23:43:00Z One of the things that always strikes me when I talk to couples who are in crisis is how little time they spend together. They usually say that they want to spend time together, but there are just too many other demands: work, children, family obligations, sleep, alone time to recharge and replenish. The problem is that if you don’t spend time with your partner, risk losing the connection and remembering why you chose each other. And when you are feeling distant, everything else in life is more complicated. I recommend that couples spend at least 10 minutes a day without kids, television, email or other distractions to just check-in. “How are you? How was your day? What made it (good, bad, busy, slow, etc.)?” Try to limit information sharing and stories about the children. Keep the topic to what is happening in your world. It is also important to go on dates at least once a month. This offers a more extended period of time to spend focusing on each other. You can do anything on these dates, but it is better to not go to the movies—you spend the date with your attention on something or someone other than your partner. I know that there can be a lot of barriers to setting aside time for each other: getting a babysitter, getting home from work early enough, finding the money. But even if you just have dinner at home together after the kids go to bed or eat at the dining room table rather than in front of the television, you are meeting the basic requirement: setting aside an extended period of time to focus on each other, without distractions. Time together gives you the opportunity to reconnect, recharge your relationship, and remember why this person is important to you. Take it. Tips & Tools, Love & Romance 2011-12-22T23:43:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/perfection/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/perfection/#When:21:59:00Z A few months ago, I attended a friend’s wedding in Santa Barbara. At each table at the reception, there was a tiny package of candies for each guest with a saying about love or marriage attached.  I had to smile at the one I received. “No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.” --Anonymous I smiled because it can be viewed through two lenses.  It can be viewed through a romantic lens: “Everyone is perfect.” Or, through a less idealized lens: “Even though you think this person is perfect, they really are not.” It also reminded me of what an amazing experience falling in love is. It wipes away imperfections—physical, spiritual, emotional and behavioral. The challenge for couples is to remember that at some point that the One True Love, will no longer be perfect. One day you will wonder, “Has he always done that?” Or, “That used to be cute, but now is just annoying.” Or even, “Who is this person?” Your friends will nod knowingly.  They have seen the imperfections even when you were too blinded by being in love.  This is when you see if you can really love and live with the person you fell in love with. Hopefully the imperfections are minor: socks that are tossed on the floor; dishes left undone; checkbooks left unbalanced. And hopefully you are open to realizing that while your love is no longer perfect, neither are you. As a couple, you must learn to forgive each other the foibles and imperfections. Negotiate solutions. And above all love despite the faults of your One True Love. It can be done. It is not necessarily easy. Relationships are never simple. But it can be done. Forgive your partner. Forgive yourself.  Move forward. Love & Romance 2011-12-13T21:59:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/the-secret/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/the-secret/#When:22:31:00Z Change is hard.  No one wants to do it.  We want things to work in our lives, but we don’t want to be the ones to have to change.  Or we don’t want to admit that we are the ones who should change.  We want our partners to be at fault.  The ones who hold the responsibility for doing the work.  But if we really look at what is going on, we can usually find something that we can work on ourselves.  Waiting for our partners to change sets us up for failure.  It creates a situation where we can sit back and continue to blame the other person.  And often the other person only feels that blame/criticism/attitude which doesn’t give him or her the motivation to change at all.  Instead, it sets up a f-you scenario: F-you!  You are the one who has to change first!  No, you are! But do you want to know the secret to getting someone else to change?  Change something in yourself. If you change something, whether it be your mood, your words, or your attitude, than you will find that your partner will change in response.  Their mood, words and attitude may be completely different as well.  It is hard to admit that we have something to change at all.  Our instinct is to say: “I am not the one with the problem.  You are the one with the problem.” But to be really effective in working on a relationship, we need to be honest with ourselves.  What are we doing that contributes to the situation?  One person in a relationship is not in a vacuum.  He or she is existing with someone else.  And maybe a significant piece of the issue is with the other person.  But is there a little piece that you should be taking ownership for?  Something that you can change in yourself, with your partner? A classic example of this can be seen with sex.  The couple comes to me and he says that she never wants to have sex.  She says that she is too tired, busy with kids/work/household.  Perhaps she could work on time management, on prioritizing, on making time for the most important relationship in her life.  But what could he change?  Perhaps if he did the dishes and put the kids to bed, she would find that she has less going on and therefore more room in her mind to set the mental mood for sex. Another, similar, example: She complains that he wants too much sex and that she feels so much pressure that it is a turn-off.  However if she made more of an effort to make time for him (even if it means having sex one more time per week/month than they normally do) then she might feel less pressure and therefore be more open to sex. This same principle can be found in countless other interactions between partners.  I know that you want change in your relationship.  I know that your partner wants change.  I want there to be less blame and criticism.  The best way to accomplish that is to set up the expectation that both people need to do some changing.  Here it is again: The Secret: 1.  Step back. 2.  Put the feelings on a shelf for a moment. 3.  Ask yourself, “What can I change about this situation that may create change in my partner?” Tips & Tools, Sex 2011-11-30T22:31:00+00:00