http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/ en megantp@hotmail.com Copyright 2009 2009-08-17T16:54:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/love-means-having-to-say-youre-sorry/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/love-means-having-to-say-youre-sorry/#When:17:54:00Z Love means never having to say you’re sorry. * Oliver Barrett IV (Ryan O’Neal) in Love Story, (1970) I first came upon this quote when I read the book Love Story by Erich Segal over twenty years ago.  It is an idea that I have puzzled over so many times since.  It seems to me that when we are in love, we should be saying that we are sorry MORE than we do to anyone else.  Relationships and trust are fragile.  If they become bruised and neglected, they do not heal easily.  I believe that it is important to acknowledge when we say or do things that are hurtful, even when we do not intend the hurt.  We need to acknowledge and apologize for speaking without thinking; for taking our moods out on our partner; for losing control.  A relationship is something to cherish and to treat like the most valuable, irreplaceable possession you own.  Yet so often we take the above quote to heart, even if we have never read it.  We assume that we will be automatically forgiven.  We assume that we have nothing to apologize for.  We do not like to admit that we were wrong and hurtful.  It makes us feel less than we want to be; weak. However, admitting that we were wrong is a strength, not a weakness.  It is standing up and saying, “I messed up.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I was wrong.  I am sorry.  Can you forgive me?” And so often the answer is, “Yes.” Tips & Tools, Love & Romance 2009-08-17T17:54:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/self-help-favorites/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/self-help-favorites/#When:18:58:00Z I was recently asked which are my favorite self-help books to find healing.  So I perused my shelves and pulled out the ones that I have found most helpful for myself and the clients that I have worked with over the years.  Here are the top 6: 1.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by J. Gottman I believe that everyone who is in a relationship or looking for one should read this book.  It gives so many helpful ways to keep perspective on yourself and the relationship as well as how to develop the friendship, problem-solve and get through the ups and downs. 2.  Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice by R. Firestone, L. Firestone, & J. Catlett This book does what it says.  It helps to identify the critical messages that we tell ourselves that work to keep us unhappy.  Then it helps figure out how to confront and change these messages into ones that are not destructive. 3.  Letting Go of Shame: Understanding How Shame Affects Your Life by R. Potter-Efron & P. Potter-Effron This book is similar to the previous one in that it educates about shame and helps us to heal from the shameful messages in our lives. 4.  Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Teen Without Losing Your Mind by M. Bradley The title sums it up perfectly.  It normalizes and gives ideas to parents who are feeling helpless. 5.  Thee Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart by C. Ahrons You have tried everything and are now at the last possible option.  This book helps the process to be one that is focused on the kids and collaborative rather than conflict-ridden. 6. I Heart Female Orgasm by D. Solot & M. Miller What is not to love?  Everything you wanted to know and more. Tips & Tools, Love & Romance, Parenting, Sex, Book Reviews 2009-07-09T18:58:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/p/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/p/#When:18:18:00Z I have been noticing a theme lately: couples put everything else before each other—work, children, email, cell phones, housework.  And the Couple is down at the bottom of the list.  Now I understand sometimes work and kids HAVE to come first.  But it should not be like that every day.  Some days the Couple has to come first.  Some days emails, work and phone calls can be put off to later.  * It’s OK to say to the kids: “You go play in the other room.  Mommy and Daddy are going to talk for a little while.” Then take a few minutes to catch up on your day away from each other.  Talk about the things that are important or interesting to you.  Listen to your partner about what is important and interesting to him or her.  Pay attention.  Ask questions.  * After the kids go to bed, don’t focus first on the housework that needs to be finished.  First pay attention to each other.  Catch-up; touch each other.  Trust me, the laundry and dishes will still be there in 30 minutes. * Find a trustworthy babysitter and go out together.  Do something that you both enjoy without the children. * Designate a 30 minute period each evening to ignore the cell phones, emails, and turn off the TV.  Focus on your partner.  Touch each other.  Laugh. Make the Couple a priority in your life. Tips & Tools, Love & Romance, Parenting 2009-06-19T18:18:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/put-the-chemistry-back-into-a-sexless-marriage/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/put-the-chemistry-back-into-a-sexless-marriage/#When:22:00:00Z Earlier this week, an article appeared entitled When Sex Leaves the Marriage on the NY Times Website.  In it, the author spoke with a sociologist who studies the sexless marriage.  A sexless marriage is one in which a couple rarely or never has sex, specifically intercourse.  This can be for a variety of reasons, including: health and disability issues, lack of time, desire or other relationship issues.  Often couples in this situation find themselves in this place and don’t remember exactly how they got there and don’t know how to get out of it.  The important thing is to remember that it can get better.  With commitment and participation by both partners, a marriage can go from sexless to very sensual. One thing that is important to remember is that a marriage needs to be nurtured.  I often see couples who have neglected their relationship and then come to me years later wondering why it has fallen apart and why they have fallen out of love.  When a sexual relationship is neglected, couples can feel hurt, ashamed, angry and self-conscious.  They suddenly realize that they are uncomfortable and unsure how to reconnect on an intimate, sexual level.  The most critical way to reconnect is to communicate.  Talk about the distance that has developed between you.  Talk about how you might close that distance.  If you or your partner has too much anger to talk and listen, then it is important that you see a professional who can help you to reopen the lines of healthy communication .  Next, realize that reconnecting will take time.  Time to relearn why you fell in love; who this person has developed into; who you have developed into.  It is also about time alone, without children, friends or in-laws to distract you.  Whether it be going out for dinner alone or eating after the kids go to bed.  Be together.  Talk about your interests.  Where you want the relationship to go.  Really listen to your partner’s wishes and desires.  When you are ready to start being physically intimate again, if you find yourself feeling shy and uncomfortable, start slowly.  Start with just touching each other’s hands or feet or head.  Allow yourself to relax and be sensual in each other’s presence.  You will likely find that you start to become more and more comfortable with each other.  Also remember what every lesbian couple knows, that sex is not just intercourse.  Sex is any type of intimate touch.  Even hand holding can be considered sex!  Be sensual together.  Caress.  Kiss.  Take baths together.  And if you still find yourselves stuck in the discomfort or anger, please see a professional therapist or counselor who specializes in sex therapy and can help you to communication and find ways to become more comfortable with yourself and each other.  It can get better!  Tips & Tools, Sex 2009-06-05T22:00:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/book-review-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-by-john-gottman-p/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/book-review-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-by-john-gottman-p/#When:22:38:00Z What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple.  Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others.  But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.  They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.  From The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D.& Nan Silver There is one book on my shelf that I am constantly having to replace.  It is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver.  I am constantly replacing it because I lend it out and don’t get it back.  It is my favorite book to lend to couples because it outlines in very easy to understand and specific ways to improve a marriage.  Dr. Gottman’s seven principles are: Enhance Your Love Map (know who your partner is); Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration; Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away; Let Your Partner Influence You; Solve Your Solvable Problems; Overcome Gridlock; and Create Shared Meaning.  Dr. Gottman’s basic premise is that you may not always like your partner, but your marriage will be more successful if you like him or her more often than not.  His book aims at helping couples to nurture these positive feelings by exploring each other’s likes, dislikes and dreams.  He also encourages readers to find things to like about each other and to rely on each other.  He also helps couples to find ways to compromise on solvable problems and come to a place of caring and empathy on the problems where compromise cannot be reached.  This book is a wonderful place for couples to start strengthening and improving their relationships.  Now I just have to get a new copy to replace the most recent one I lost.  Perhaps I will pick up two. Book Reviews 2009-05-29T22:38:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/the-secret/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/the-secret/#When:22:31:00Z Change is hard.  No one wants to do it.  We want things to work in our lives, but we don’t want to be the ones to have to change.  Or we don’t want to admit that we are the ones who should change.  We want our partners to be at fault.  The ones who hold the responsibility for doing the work.  But if we really look at what is going on, we can usually find something that we can work on ourselves.  Waiting for our partners to change sets us up for failure.  It creates a situation where we can sit back and continue to blame the other person.  And often the other person only feels that blame/criticism/attitude which doesn’t give him or her the motivation to change at all.  Instead, it sets up a f-you scenario: F-you!  You are the one who has to change first!  No, you are! But do you want to know the secret to getting someone else to change?  Change something in yourself. If you change something, whether it be your mood, your words, or your attitude, than you will find that your partner will change in response.  Their mood, words and attitude may be completely different as well.  It is hard to admit that we have something to change at all.  Our instinct is to say: “I am not the one with the problem.  You are the one with the problem.” But to be really effective in working on a relationship, we need to be honest with ourselves.  What are we doing that contributes to the situation?  One person in a relationship is not in a vacuum.  He or she is existing with someone else.  And maybe a significant piece of the issue is with the other person.  But is there a little piece that you should be taking ownership for?  Something that you can change in yourself, with your partner? A classic example of this can be seen with sex.  The couple comes to me and he says that she never wants to have sex.  She says that she is too tired, busy with kids/work/household.  Perhaps she could work on time management, on prioritizing, on making time for the most important relationship in her life.  But what could he change?  Perhaps if he did the dishes and put the kids to bed, she would find that she has less going on and therefore more room in her mind to set the mental mood for sex. Another, similar, example: She complains that he wants too much sex and that she feels so much pressure that it is a turn-off.  However if she made more of an effort to make time for him (even if it means having sex one more time per week/month than they normally do) then she might feel less pressure and therefore be more open to sex. This same principle can be found in countless other interactions between partners.  I know that you want change in your relationship.  I know that your partner wants change.  I want there to be less blame and criticism.  The best way to accomplish that is to set up the expectation that both people need to do some changing.  Here it is again: The Secret: 1.  Step back. 2.  Put the feelings on a shelf for a moment. 3.  Ask yourself, “What can I change about this situation that may create change in my partner?” Tips & Tools, Sex 2008-08-05T22:31:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/parenting-together/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/parenting-together/#When:17:50:00Z Relationships are never simple. Balancing two people’s needs, wants, desires, and hang-ups are challenging. When you throw parenting into the mix it is even more complex. One of the biggest challenges that couples face when they become parents is figuring out how to take what they learned from their parents about what to do (or what not to do) and meld it with someone else’s ideas that they took from their own parents. Suddenly there are not 2 people involved anymore, but 6. One couple and two sets of grandparents. And if you are lucky you are only dealing with the issues you brought from your childhood and not grandparents trying to “contribute” on the day to day affairs. What types of food. How much TV. Type of school. Should he or she play sports? Which Sports? How to handle peer influences. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline. All of these issues can throw a wrench into the lives of a relatively happy couple. When there are already issues in the relationship, parenting just highlights them even more. The most important thing to do is to sit down with each other after the kids are in bed and talk about it calmly. “How are WE going to handle [...]?” “What are WE going to do about [...]?” “I feel that it is important that WE [...].” Notice that all of these sentences have an emphasis on the couple. The WE. It is not, “I don’t like it when you [...]” or “You need to stop doing/saying [...]”. Parenting is a partnership. Even if the parents are no longer partners, it is healthier for the children if they are parenting together and using the same techniques rather than fighting over each and every move. Read books. Talk to other parents about what they do. Talk to your child’s teacher about what he or she suggests (this person has seen and dealt with more behavioral issues than you ever will). Try not to be defensive. Don’t view it as a criticism. You are working together to parent and you can each draw on your partner’s strengths to make up for you own weaknesses.  None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes when it comes to parenting. What is important is that we see that these are mistakes and try to rectify them and change.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive your partner and find new ways of handling frustrating situations.  You are raising a person.  You want this person to be a happy, healthy, decent, and loving individual.  And for that to happen you need to be as happy, healthy, decent and loving as you can be.  To your child, to your partner, to yourself. Tips & Tools, Parenting 2008-07-10T17:50:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/perfection/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/perfection/#When:21:59:00Z A few months ago, I attended a friend’s wedding in Santa Barbara. At each table at the reception, there was a tiny package of candies for each guest with a saying about love or marriage attached.  I had to smile at the one I received. “No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.” --Anonymous I smiled because it can be viewed through two lenses.  It can be viewed through a romantic lens: “Everyone is perfect.” Or, through a less idealized lens: “Even though you think this person is perfect, they really are not.” It also reminded me of what an amazing experience falling in love is. It wipes away imperfections—physical, spiritual, emotional and behavioral. The challenge for couples is to remember that at some point that the One True Love, will no longer be perfect. One day you will wonder, “Has he always done that?” Or, “That used to be cute, but now is just annoying.” Or even, “Who is this person?” Your friends will nod knowingly.  They have seen the imperfections even when you were too blinded by being in love.  This is when you see if you can really love and live with the person you fell in love with. Hopefully the imperfections are minor: socks that are tossed on the floor; dishes left undone; checkbooks left unbalanced. And hopefully you are open to realizing that while your love is no longer perfect, neither are you. As a couple, you must learn to forgive each other the foibles and imperfections. Negotiate solutions. And above all love despite the faults of your One True Love. It can be done. It is not necessarily easy. Relationships are never simple. But it can be done. Forgive your partner. Forgive yourself.  Move forward. Love & Romance 2008-07-03T21:59:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/50-50/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/50-50/#When:17:33:00Z One of the hardest things to realize about couple’s therapy is that you are not coming to fix your partner. This is what everyone wants. They say that they want to fix the relationship, but what they really want is for the therapist to point at their partner and say “You are wrong. Stop what you are doing.” Then everything will be better and life can continue. If you are going to a good therapist, this is not what happens. I tell all of the couples that I see that all relationships are 50-50. While it may feel that you are putting more work and effort into the relationship, it takes two people, each contributing 50% to the relationship and interactions. It is impossible to fight alone.  It takes two to tango and two to fight. But no one wants to admit this. So they come into my office and I hear the following: “You do [...]. “And because you do [...], [...] happens. “Well you do [...]. And it just goes back and forth with no one really listening or even caring what the other is saying. Everyone is so focused on what the other person does to make the relationship and them miserable that nothing gets done. I try to change this focus into a collaboration. Because that is what marriage, a relationship, a partnership really is: a collaboration. It is working together to be happy. Working together to find peace. “How can we work together to change what is happening in our lives?” “How can we [...]? “What can we do to change [...]? Do you notice the WE? Do you notice that they are questions and not demands or statements?  We all have to ask ourselves: My partner is doing [...], what I am doing that is contributing to the dynamic? I probably will tell your partner that something he or she is doing is a significant factor in the chaos. But I will also say the same thing to you. We can’t go into therapy expecting that we can sit back and watch our partner do all of the work.  We have to expect that we will be asked to work, to change, and to move forward as well.  It will be hard.  It might hurt.  But it is like going to the gym—all of the time, effort, sweat, hard work, and pain will pay off in the long-run: a longer, happier, healthier… relationship. It all comes back to 50-50. Tips & Tools, Love & Romance 2008-06-12T17:33:00+00:00 http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/touch/ http://megantorreypayne.com/reflections/touch/#When:17:50:00Z A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of spending time together.  Today, I want to talk about how important touch is to a relationship.  When I say touch, I mean holding hands, hugging, rubbing your partners shoulders, etc.  I mean kissing, both quickly and at length.  I mean sex.  Quick touches are a way to stay connected; to remind yourselves that you are partners in an intimate relationship, not just roommates or friends.  It is a way to reconnect after a long day, when the chaos is still swirling around you: dinner, kids, working from home, email.  A kiss when you walk in the door.  A touch on the back as you pass.  Holding hands while watching television. Sex, when it is without resentment or anger, is a way to build the intimacy even more: to be vulnerable, to connect on a purely physical and emotional level.  Sexuality is a basic human need.  It is important to us as humans.  It is important to us as partners in a relationship.  I regularly assign homework to the couples that I see that involves touch:  Touch each other.  Be physical together.  Don’t let life, chaos and resentment interfere with that aspect of your relationship.  Let go.  Let go with each other.  Touch is a powerful thing.  It is healing.  It is a way to reconnect. Tips & Tools, Love & Romance, Sex 2008-05-15T17:50:00+00:00