Entries Filed In: Tips & Tools

Take Some Time Together

Thursday, December 22, 2011

One of the things that always strikes me when I talk to couples who are in crisis is how little time they spend together. They usually say that they want to spend time together, but there are just too many other demands: work, children, family obligations, sleep, alone time to recharge and replenish. The problem is that if you don’t spend time with your partner, risk losing the connection and remembering why you chose each other. And when you are feeling distant, everything else in life is more complicated.

I recommend that couples spend at least 10 minutes a day without kids, television, email or other distractions to just check-in. “How are you? How was your day? What made it (good, bad, busy, slow, etc.)?” Try to limit information sharing and stories about the children. Keep the topic to what is happening in your world.

It is also important to go on dates at least once a month. This offers a more extended period of time to spend focusing on each other. You can do anything on these dates, but it is better to not go to the movies—you spend the date with your attention on something or someone other than your partner. I know that there can be a lot of barriers to setting aside time for each other: getting a babysitter, getting home from work early enough, finding the money. But even if you just have dinner at home together after the kids go to bed or eat at the dining room table rather than in front of the television, you are meeting the basic requirement: setting aside an extended period of time to focus on each other, without distractions.

Time together gives you the opportunity to reconnect, recharge your relationship, and remember why this person is important to you.

Take it.

The Secret

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Change is hard.  No one wants to do it.  We want things to work in our lives, but we don’t want to be the ones to have to change.  Or we don’t want to admit that we are the ones who should change. 

We want our partners to be at fault.  The ones who hold the responsibility for doing the work.  But if we really look at what is going on, we can usually find something that we can work on ourselves. 

Waiting for our partners to change sets us up for failure.  It creates a situation where we can sit back and continue to blame the other person.  And often the other person only feels that blame/criticism/attitude which doesn’t give him or her the motivation to change at all.  Instead, it sets up a f-you scenario: F-you!  You are the one who has to change first!  No, you are!

But do you want to know the secret to getting someone else to change?  Change something in yourself. If you change something, whether it be your mood, your words, or your attitude, than you will find that your partner will change in response.  Their mood, words and attitude may be completely different as well. 

It is hard to admit that we have something to change at all.  Our instinct is to say: “I am not the one with the problem.  You are the one with the problem.” But to be really effective in working on a relationship, we need to be honest with ourselves.  What are we doing that contributes to the situation?  One person in a relationship is not in a vacuum.  He or she is existing with someone else.  And maybe a significant piece of the issue is with the other person.  But is there a little piece that you should be taking ownership for?  Something that you can change in yourself, with your partner?

A classic example of this can be seen with sex.  The couple comes to me and he says that she never wants to have sex.  She says that she is too tired, busy with kids/work/household.  Perhaps she could work on time management, on prioritizing, on making time for the most important relationship in her life.  But what could he change?  Perhaps if he did the dishes and put the kids to bed, she would find that she has less going on and therefore more room in her mind to set the mental mood for sex.

Another, similar, example: She complains that he wants too much sex and that she feels so much pressure that it is a turn-off.  However if she made more of an effort to make time for him (even if it means having sex one more time per week/month than they normally do) then she might feel less pressure and therefore be more open to sex.

This same principle can be found in countless other interactions between partners.  I know that you want change in your relationship.  I know that your partner wants change.  I want there to be less blame and criticism.  The best way to accomplish that is to set up the expectation that both people need to do some changing.  Here it is again:

The Secret:
1.  Step back.
2.  Put the feelings on a shelf for a moment.
3.  Ask yourself, “What can I change about this situation that may create change in my partner?”

The Power of Being Nice

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Have you said something nice to your partner today?

Have you acknowledged that she made an effort to be helpful? That he cooked dinner? That she asked you how your day was?

Have you told him that you love him?

It is amazing how significant the little words of love, acknowledgement and thanks can be in a relationship—especially one that is in conflict. When we don’t hear them we wonder if our partner sees the efforts we are making, appreciates what we contribute, or even if we are loved. But when we do hear them, we know that we are appreciated. We feel motivated to continue to try. We are more likely to say something positive in return.

Every day, find something nice to say. A relationship full of negativity will reflect back just that. In order to get positive results, put positives out there.

Parenting Together

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Relationships are never simple. Balancing two people’s needs, wants, desires, and hang-ups are challenging. When you throw parenting into the mix it is even more complex.

One of the biggest challenges that couples face when they become parents is figuring out how to take what they learned from their parents about what to do (or what not to do) and meld it with someone else’s ideas that they took from their own parents. Suddenly there are not 2 people involved anymore, but 6. One couple and two sets of grandparents. And if you are lucky you are only dealing with the issues you brought from your childhood and not grandparents trying to “contribute” on the day to day affairs.

What types of food. How much TV. Type of school. Should he or she play sports? Which Sports? How to handle peer influences. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.

All of these issues can throw a wrench into the lives of a relatively happy couple. When there are already issues in the relationship, parenting just highlights them even more. The most important thing to do is to sit down with each other after the kids are in bed and talk about it calmly.

“How are WE going to handle [...]?”
“What are WE going to do about [...]?”
“I feel that it is important that WE [...].”

Notice that all of these sentences have an emphasis on the couple. The WE. It is not, “I don’t like it when you [...]” or “You need to stop doing/saying [...]”. Parenting is a partnership. Even if the parents are no longer partners, it is healthier for the children if they are parenting together and using the same techniques rather than fighting over each and every move.

Read books. Talk to other parents about what they do. Talk to your child’s teacher about what he or she suggests (this person has seen and dealt with more behavioral issues than you ever will).

Try not to be defensive. Don’t view it as a criticism. You are working together to parent and you can each draw on your partner’s strengths to make up for you own weaknesses.  None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes when it comes to parenting. What is important is that we see that these are mistakes and try to rectify them and change.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive your partner and find new ways of handling frustrating situations. 

You are raising a person.  You want this person to be a happy, healthy, decent, and loving individual.  And for that to happen you need to be as happy, healthy, decent and loving as you can be.  To your child, to your partner, to yourself.

50-50, Or Get to Work

Monday, October 03, 2011

One of the hardest things to realize about couple’s therapy is that you are not coming to fix your partner. This is what everyone wants. They say that they want to fix the relationship, but what they really want is for the therapist to point at their partner and say “You are wrong. Stop what you are doing.” Then everything will be better and life can continue.

If you are going to a good therapist, this is not what happens.

I tell all of the couples that I see that all relationships are 50-50. While it may feel that you are putting more work and effort into the relationship, it takes two people, each contributing 50% to the relationship and interactions. It is impossible to fight alone.  It takes two to tango and two to fight.

But no one wants to admit this. So they come into my office and I hear the following:
“You do [...].
“And because you do [...], [...] happens.
“Well you do [...].
And it just goes back and forth with no one really listening or even caring what the other is saying. Everyone is so focused on what the other person does to make the relationship and them miserable that nothing gets done.

I try to change this focus into a collaboration. Because that is what marriage, a relationship, a partnership really is: a collaboration. It is working together to be happy. Working together to find peace.
“How can we work together to change what is happening in our lives?”
“How can we [...]?
“What can we do to change [...]?
Do you notice the WE? Do you notice that they are questions and not demands or statements?  We all have to ask ourselves: My partner is doing [...], what I am doing that is contributing to the dynamic?

I probably will tell your partner that something he or she is doing is a significant factor in the chaos. But I will also say the same thing to you.

We can’t go into therapy expecting that we can sit back and watch our partner do all of the work.  We have to expect that we will be asked to work, to change, and to move forward as well.  It will be hard.  It might hurt.  But it is like going to the gym—all of the time, effort, sweat, hard work, and pain will pay off in the long-run: a longer, happier, healthier… relationship.

It all comes back to 50-50.