Entries Filed In: Tips & Tools

Love means having to say you’re sorry.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
* Oliver Barrett IV (Ryan O’Neal) in Love Story, (1970)

I first came upon this quote when I read the book Love Story by Erich Segal over twenty years ago.  It is an idea that I have puzzled over so many times since.  It seems to me that when we are in love, we should be saying that we are sorry MORE than we do to anyone else.  Relationships and trust are fragile.  If they become bruised and neglected, they do not heal easily.  I believe that it is important to acknowledge when we say or do things that are hurtful, even when we do not intend the hurt.  We need to acknowledge and apologize for speaking without thinking; for taking our moods out on our partner; for losing control.  A relationship is something to cherish and to treat like the most valuable, irreplaceable possession you own.  Yet so often we take the above quote to heart, even if we have never read it.  We assume that we will be automatically forgiven.  We assume that we have nothing to apologize for.  We do not like to admit that we were wrong and hurtful.  It makes us feel less than we want to be; weak. However, admitting that we were wrong is a strength, not a weakness.  It is standing up and saying, “I messed up.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I was wrong.  I am sorry.  Can you forgive me?”

And so often the answer is, “Yes.”

Self-Help Favorites

Thursday, July 09, 2009

I was recently asked which are my favorite self-help books to find healing.  So I perused my shelves and pulled out the ones that I have found most helpful for myself and the clients that I have worked with over the years.  Here are the top 6:

1.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by J. Gottman

I believe that everyone who is in a relationship or looking for one should read this book.  It gives so many helpful ways to keep perspective on yourself and the relationship as well as how to develop the friendship, problem-solve and get through the ups and downs.

2.  Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice by R. Firestone, L. Firestone, & J. Catlett

This book does what it says.  It helps to identify the critical messages that we tell ourselves that work to keep us unhappy.  Then it helps figure out how to confront and change these messages into ones that are not destructive.

3.  Letting Go of Shame: Understanding How Shame Affects Your Life by R. Potter-Efron & P. Potter-Effron

This book is similar to the previous one in that it educates about shame and helps us to heal from the shameful messages in our lives.

4.  Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Teen Without Losing Your Mind by M. Bradley

The title sums it up perfectly.  It normalizes and gives ideas to parents who are feeling helpless.

5.  Thee Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart by C. Ahrons

You have tried everything and are now at the last possible option.  This book helps the process to be one that is focused on the kids and collaborative rather than conflict-ridden.

6. I Heart Female Orgasm by D. Solot & M. Miller

What is not to love?  Everything you wanted to know and more.

Priorities

Friday, June 19, 2009

I have been noticing a theme lately: couples put everything else before each other—work, children, email, cell phones, housework.  And the Couple is down at the bottom of the list.  Now I understand sometimes work and kids HAVE to come first.  But it should not be like that every day.  Some days the Couple has to come first.  Some days emails, work and phone calls can be put off to later. 

* It’s OK to say to the kids: “You go play in the other room.  Mommy and Daddy are going to talk for a little while.” Then take a few minutes to catch up on your day away from each other.  Talk about the things that are important or interesting to you.  Listen to your partner about what is important and interesting to him or her.  Pay attention.  Ask questions. 
* After the kids go to bed, don’t focus first on the housework that needs to be finished.  First pay attention to each other.  Catch-up; touch each other.  Trust me, the laundry and dishes will still be there in 30 minutes.
* Find a trustworthy babysitter and go out together.  Do something that you both enjoy without the children.
* Designate a 30 minute period each evening to ignore the cell phones, emails, and turn off the TV.  Focus on your partner.  Touch each other.  Laugh.

Make the Couple a priority in your life.

Put the Chemistry Back Into a “Sexless Marriage”

Friday, June 05, 2009

Earlier this week, an article appeared entitled When Sex Leaves the Marriage on the NY Times Website.  In it, the author spoke with a sociologist who studies the sexless marriage.  A sexless marriage is one in which a couple rarely or never has sex, specifically intercourse.  This can be for a variety of reasons, including: health and disability issues, lack of time, desire or other relationship issues.  Often couples in this situation find themselves in this place and don’t remember exactly how they got there and don’t know how to get out of it.  The important thing is to remember that it can get better.  With commitment and participation by both partners, a marriage can go from sexless to very sensual.

One thing that is important to remember is that a marriage needs to be nurtured.  I often see couples who have neglected their relationship and then come to me years later wondering why it has fallen apart and why they have fallen out of love.  When a sexual relationship is neglected, couples can feel hurt, ashamed, angry and self-conscious.  They suddenly realize that they are uncomfortable and unsure how to reconnect on an intimate, sexual level. 

The most critical way to reconnect is to communicate.  Talk about the distance that has developed between you.  Talk about how you might close that distance.  If you or your partner has too much anger to talk and listen, then it is important that you see a professional who can help you to reopen the lines of healthy communication .  Next, realize that reconnecting will take time.  Time to relearn why you fell in love; who this person has developed into; who you have developed into.  It is also about time alone, without children, friends or in-laws to distract you.  Whether it be going out for dinner alone or eating after the kids go to bed.  Be together.  Talk about your interests.  Where you want the relationship to go.  Really listen to your partner’s wishes and desires.  When you are ready to start being physically intimate again, if you find yourself feeling shy and uncomfortable, start slowly.  Start with just touching each other’s hands or feet or head.  Allow yourself to relax and be sensual in each other’s presence.  You will likely find that you start to become more and more comfortable with each other.  Also remember what every lesbian couple knows, that sex is not just intercourse.  Sex is any type of intimate touch.  Even hand holding can be considered sex!  Be sensual together.  Caress.  Kiss.  Take baths together.  And if you still find yourselves stuck in the discomfort or anger, please see a professional therapist or counselor who specializes in sex therapy and can help you to communication and find ways to become more comfortable with yourself and each other.  It can get better! 

The Secret

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Change is hard.  No one wants to do it.  We want things to work in our lives, but we don’t want to be the ones to have to change.  Or we don’t want to admit that we are the ones who should change. 

We want our partners to be at fault.  The ones who hold the responsibility for doing the work.  But if we really look at what is going on, we can usually find something that we can work on ourselves. 

Waiting for our partners to change sets us up for failure.  It creates a situation where we can sit back and continue to blame the other person.  And often the other person only feels that blame/criticism/attitude which doesn’t give him or her the motivation to change at all.  Instead, it sets up a f-you scenario: F-you!  You are the one who has to change first!  No, you are!

But do you want to know the secret to getting someone else to change?  Change something in yourself. If you change something, whether it be your mood, your words, or your attitude, than you will find that your partner will change in response.  Their mood, words and attitude may be completely different as well. 

It is hard to admit that we have something to change at all.  Our instinct is to say: “I am not the one with the problem.  You are the one with the problem.” But to be really effective in working on a relationship, we need to be honest with ourselves.  What are we doing that contributes to the situation?  One person in a relationship is not in a vacuum.  He or she is existing with someone else.  And maybe a significant piece of the issue is with the other person.  But is there a little piece that you should be taking ownership for?  Something that you can change in yourself, with your partner?

A classic example of this can be seen with sex.  The couple comes to me and he says that she never wants to have sex.  She says that she is too tired, busy with kids/work/household.  Perhaps she could work on time management, on prioritizing, on making time for the most important relationship in her life.  But what could he change?  Perhaps if he did the dishes and put the kids to bed, she would find that she has less going on and therefore more room in her mind to set the mental mood for sex.

Another, similar, example: She complains that he wants too much sex and that she feels so much pressure that it is a turn-off.  However if she made more of an effort to make time for him (even if it means having sex one more time per week/month than they normally do) then she might feel less pressure and therefore be more open to sex.

This same principle can be found in countless other interactions between partners.  I know that you want change in your relationship.  I know that your partner wants change.  I want there to be less blame and criticism.  The best way to accomplish that is to set up the expectation that both people need to do some changing.  Here it is again:

The Secret:
1.  Step back.
2.  Put the feelings on a shelf for a moment.
3.  Ask yourself, “What can I change about this situation that may create change in my partner?”