Entries Filed In: Love & Romance

50-50, Or Get to Work

Monday, October 03, 2011

One of the hardest things to realize about couple’s therapy is that you are not coming to fix your partner. This is what everyone wants. They say that they want to fix the relationship, but what they really want is for the therapist to point at their partner and say “You are wrong. Stop what you are doing.” Then everything will be better and life can continue.

If you are going to a good therapist, this is not what happens.

I tell all of the couples that I see that all relationships are 50-50. While it may feel that you are putting more work and effort into the relationship, it takes two people, each contributing 50% to the relationship and interactions. It is impossible to fight alone.  It takes two to tango and two to fight.

But no one wants to admit this. So they come into my office and I hear the following:
“You do [...].
“And because you do [...], [...] happens.
“Well you do [...].
And it just goes back and forth with no one really listening or even caring what the other is saying. Everyone is so focused on what the other person does to make the relationship and them miserable that nothing gets done.

I try to change this focus into a collaboration. Because that is what marriage, a relationship, a partnership really is: a collaboration. It is working together to be happy. Working together to find peace.
“How can we work together to change what is happening in our lives?”
“How can we [...]?
“What can we do to change [...]?
Do you notice the WE? Do you notice that they are questions and not demands or statements?  We all have to ask ourselves: My partner is doing [...], what I am doing that is contributing to the dynamic?

I probably will tell your partner that something he or she is doing is a significant factor in the chaos. But I will also say the same thing to you.

We can’t go into therapy expecting that we can sit back and watch our partner do all of the work.  We have to expect that we will be asked to work, to change, and to move forward as well.  It will be hard.  It might hurt.  But it is like going to the gym—all of the time, effort, sweat, hard work, and pain will pay off in the long-run: a longer, happier, healthier… relationship.

It all comes back to 50-50.

Priorities

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I have been noticing a theme lately: couples put everything else before each other—work, children, email, cell phones, housework.  And the Couple is down at the bottom of the list.  Now I understand sometimes work and kids HAVE to come first.  But it should not be like that every day.  Some days the Couple has to come first.  Some days emails, work and phone calls can be put off to later. 

* It’s OK to say to the kids: “You go play in the other room.  Mommy and Daddy are going to talk for a little while.” Then take a few minutes to catch up on your day away from each other.  Talk about the things that are important or interesting to you.  Listen to your partner about what is important and interesting to him or her.  Pay attention.  Ask questions. 
* After the kids go to bed, don’t focus first on the housework that needs to be finished.  First pay attention to each other.  Catch-up; touch each other.  Trust me, the laundry and dishes will still be there in 30 minutes.
* Find a trustworthy babysitter and go out together.  Do something that you both enjoy without the children.
* Designate a 30 minute period each evening to ignore the cell phones, emails, and turn off the TV.  Focus on your partner.  Touch each other.  Laugh.

Make the Couple a priority in your life.

Self-Help Favorites

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I was recently asked which are my favorite self-help books to find healing.  So I perused my shelves and pulled out the ones that I have found most helpful for myself and the clients that I have worked with over the years.  Here are the top 6:

1.  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by J. Gottman

I believe that everyone who is in a relationship or looking for one should read this book.  It gives so many helpful ways to keep perspective on yourself and the relationship as well as how to develop the friendship, problem-solve and get through the ups and downs.

2.  Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice by R. Firestone, L. Firestone, & J. Catlett

This book does what it says.  It helps to identify the critical messages that we tell ourselves that work to keep us unhappy.  Then it helps figure out how to confront and change these messages into ones that are not destructive.

3.  Letting Go of Shame: Understanding How Shame Affects Your Life by R. Potter-Efron & P. Potter-Effron

This book is similar to the previous one in that it educates about shame and helps us to heal from the shameful messages in our lives.

4.  Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Teen Without Losing Your Mind by M. Bradley

The title sums it up perfectly.  It normalizes and gives ideas to parents who are feeling helpless.

5.  Thee Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart by C. Ahrons

You have tried everything and are now at the last possible option.  This book helps the process to be one that is focused on the kids and collaborative rather than conflict-ridden.

6. I Heart Female Orgasm by D. Solot & M. Miller

What is not to love?  Everything you wanted to know and more.

Love means having to say you’re sorry.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
* Oliver Barrett IV (Ryan O’Neal) in Love Story, (1970)

I first came upon this quote when I read the book Love Story by Erich Segal over twenty years ago.  It is an idea that I have puzzled over so many times since.  It seems to me that when we are in love, we should be saying that we are sorry MORE than we do to anyone else.  Relationships and trust are fragile.  If they become bruised and neglected, they do not heal easily.  I believe that it is important to acknowledge when we say or do things that are hurtful, even when we do not intend the hurt.  We need to acknowledge and apologize for speaking without thinking; for taking our moods out on our partner; for losing control.  A relationship is something to cherish and to treat like the most valuable, irreplaceable possession you own.  Yet so often we take the above quote to heart, even if we have never read it.  We assume that we will be automatically forgiven.  We assume that we have nothing to apologize for.  We do not like to admit that we were wrong and hurtful.  It makes us feel less than we want to be; weak. However, admitting that we were wrong is a strength, not a weakness.  It is standing up and saying, “I messed up.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I was wrong.  I am sorry.  Can you forgive me?”

And so often the answer is, “Yes.”

More About Reflections

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Why do I keep falling in love only to have my heart broken again?  Why do I fall in love with people who are so wrong for me?  Why can’t I get over her?  Why does my ex hate me so much? 

These are questions that I hear over and over in my office.  Humans are social creatures.  It is an evolutionary trait.  Very early on, we learned that we needed each other to reproduce.  We needed each other for protection and food.  And we needed each other to feel that we belonged.  Some of these motivations are still driving us to find a mate. 

A partner.  A spouse.  Someone to love.  Someone who will love us back.

However these evolutionary motivations don’t automatically lead to happily ever after.  The reality is that relationships are hard.  We are not only dealing with our own personalities, temperament, and lessons learned from families about how to be in a relationship.  We are also dealing with someone else’s temperament and family lessons.  The situation is further complicated by the fact that our deepest feelings get touched.

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers.  It is not just a matter of knowing that it is critical to talk your partner about your feelings.  It is about jumping over the fears and worries that consume you and trusting that you can be safe with her.  It is about being open to hear that he is angry with you.  It is about practicing, and realizing that you may hurt his feelings.  It is about apologizing when you do.  It is about admitting when you are wrong.  It is about not losing control of your most powerful and intense feelings.  And the process can go right or awry at any or all of these steps.

I will write weekly about issues that pertain to our most intimate relationships.  This may come in the form of helping you to better understand how you and your partner are relating; or, it may be tips and tools on how to make things better.  It may be in the form of a review of a book that might be interesting and informative to those who want to work on their relationships; or in answering specific questions.

Whether you come to my office or read my Reflections, my hope is that I can help you to find peace and create joy in your relationships.