Entries Filed In: Love & Romance

Perfection

Thursday, July 03, 2008

A few months ago, I attended a friend’s wedding in Santa Barbara. At each table at the reception, there was a tiny package of candies for each guest with a saying about love or marriage attached.  I had to smile at the one I received.

“No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.” --Anonymous

I smiled because it can be viewed through two lenses.  It can be viewed through a romantic lens: “Everyone is perfect.” Or, through a less idealized lens: “Even though you think this person is perfect, they really are not.” It also reminded me of what an amazing experience falling in love is. It wipes away imperfections—physical, spiritual, emotional and behavioral. The challenge for couples is to remember that at some point that the One True Love, will no longer be perfect.

One day you will wonder, “Has he always done that?” Or, “That used to be cute, but now is just annoying.” Or even, “Who is this person?” Your friends will nod knowingly.  They have seen the imperfections even when you were too blinded by being in love. 

This is when you see if you can really love and live with the person you fell in love with. Hopefully the imperfections are minor: socks that are tossed on the floor; dishes left undone; checkbooks left unbalanced. And hopefully you are open to realizing that while your love is no longer perfect, neither are you. As a couple, you must learn to forgive each other the foibles and imperfections. Negotiate solutions. And above all love despite the faults of your One True Love.

It can be done. It is not necessarily easy. Relationships are never simple. But it can be done.

Forgive your partner. Forgive yourself.  Move forward.

50-50, Or Get to Work

Thursday, June 12, 2008

One of the hardest things to realize about couple’s therapy is that you are not coming to fix your partner. This is what everyone wants. They say that they want to fix the relationship, but what they really want is for the therapist to point at their partner and say “You are wrong. Stop what you are doing.” Then everything will be better and life can continue.

If you are going to a good therapist, this is not what happens.

I tell all of the couples that I see that all relationships are 50-50. While it may feel that you are putting more work and effort into the relationship, it takes two people, each contributing 50% to the relationship and interactions. It is impossible to fight alone.  It takes two to tango and two to fight.

But no one wants to admit this. So they come into my office and I hear the following:
“You do [...].
“And because you do [...], [...] happens.
“Well you do [...].
And it just goes back and forth with no one really listening or even caring what the other is saying. Everyone is so focused on what the other person does to make the relationship and them miserable that nothing gets done.

I try to change this focus into a collaboration. Because that is what marriage, a relationship, a partnership really is: a collaboration. It is working together to be happy. Working together to find peace.
“How can we work together to change what is happening in our lives?”
“How can we [...]?
“What can we do to change [...]?
Do you notice the WE? Do you notice that they are questions and not demands or statements?  We all have to ask ourselves: My partner is doing [...], what I am doing that is contributing to the dynamic?

I probably will tell your partner that something he or she is doing is a significant factor in the chaos. But I will also say the same thing to you.

We can’t go into therapy expecting that we can sit back and watch our partner do all of the work.  We have to expect that we will be asked to work, to change, and to move forward as well.  It will be hard.  It might hurt.  But it is like going to the gym—all of the time, effort, sweat, hard work, and pain will pay off in the long-run: a longer, happier, healthier… relationship.

It all comes back to 50-50.

Touch

Thursday, May 15, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of spending time together.  Today, I want to talk about how important touch is to a relationship.  When I say touch, I mean holding hands, hugging, rubbing your partners shoulders, etc.  I mean kissing, both quickly and at length.  I mean sex. 

Quick touches are a way to stay connected; to remind yourselves that you are partners in an intimate relationship, not just roommates or friends.  It is a way to reconnect after a long day, when the chaos is still swirling around you: dinner, kids, working from home, email.  A kiss when you walk in the door.  A touch on the back as you pass.  Holding hands while watching television.

Sex, when it is without resentment or anger, is a way to build the intimacy even more: to be vulnerable, to connect on a purely physical and emotional level.  Sexuality is a basic human need.  It is important to us as humans.  It is important to us as partners in a relationship. 

I regularly assign homework to the couples that I see that involves touch:  Touch each other.  Be physical together.  Don’t let life, chaos and resentment interfere with that aspect of your relationship.  Let go.  Let go with each other. 

Touch is a powerful thing.  It is healing.  It is a way to reconnect.

Take Some Time Together

Thursday, May 01, 2008

One of the things that always strikes me when I talk to couples who are in crisis is how little time they spend together. They usually say that they want to spend time together, but there are just too many other demands: work, children, family obligations, sleep, alone time to recharge and replenish. The problem is that if you don’t spend time with your partner, risk losing the connection and remembering why you chose each other. And when you are feeling distant, everything else in life is more complicated.

I recommend that couples spend at least 10 minutes a day without kids, television, email or other distractions to just check-in. “How are you? How was your day? What made it (good, bad, busy, slow, etc.)?” Try to limit information sharing and stories about the children. Keep the topic to what is happening in your world.

It is also important to go on dates at least once a month. This offers a more extended period of time to spend focusing on each other. You can do anything on these dates, but it is better to not go to the movies—you spend the date with your attention on something or someone other than your partner. I know that there can be a lot of barriers to setting aside time for each other: getting a babysitter, getting home from work early enough, finding the money. But even if you just have dinner at home together after the kids go to bed or eat at the dining room table rather than in front of the television, you are meeting the basic requirement: setting aside an extended period of time to focus on each other, without distractions.

Time together gives you the opportunity to reconnect, recharge your relationship, and remember why this person is important to you.

Take it.

More About Reflections

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Why do I keep falling in love only to have my heart broken again?  Why do I fall in love with people who are so wrong for me?  Why can’t I get over her?  Why does my ex hate me so much? 

These are questions that I hear over and over in my office.  Humans are social creatures.  It is an evolutionary trait.  Very early on, we learned that we needed each other to reproduce.  We needed each other for protection and food.  And we needed each other to feel that we belonged.  Some of these motivations are still driving us to find a mate. 

A partner.  A spouse.  Someone to love.  Someone who will love us back.

However these evolutionary motivations don’t automatically lead to happily ever after.  The reality is that relationships are hard.  We are not only dealing with our own personalities, temperament, and lessons learned from families about how to be in a relationship.  We are also dealing with someone else’s temperament and family lessons.  The situation is further complicated by the fact that our deepest feelings get touched.

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers.  It is not just a matter of knowing that it is critical to talk your partner about your feelings.  It is about jumping over the fears and worries that consume you and trusting that you can be safe with her.  It is about being open to hear that he is angry with you.  It is about practicing, and realizing that you may hurt his feelings.  It is about apologizing when you do.  It is about admitting when you are wrong.  It is about not losing control of your most powerful and intense feelings.  And the process can go right or awry at any or all of these steps.

I will write weekly about issues that pertain to our most intimate relationships.  This may come in the form of helping you to better understand how you and your partner are relating; or, it may be tips and tools on how to make things better.  It may be in the form of a review of a book that might be interesting and informative to those who want to work on their relationships; or in answering specific questions.

Whether you come to my office or read my Reflections, my hope is that I can help you to find peace and create joy in your relationships.