Entries Filed In: Love & Romance

Key To A Peaceful Relationship

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Juggling Act

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

One of the things that seems to be a consistent challenge today is figuring out how to juggle all of the responsibilities that come with living in our 21st-century world.  In trying to take care of our families’ emotional, physical, financial and spiritual needs, we are consumed with work, picking up and dropping off kids at school and extracurricular activities, dinner, homework, and a million more things.  This is hard enough when we have a partner, but made even more complicated if we are single-parenting or our spouse regularly travels for work.  With all of this chaos it can be nearly impossible to find time for ourselves and our intimate relationships.  How do we ask all of this to stop so that we can take care of ourselves?

And yet we have to.  We have to make the time to take care of ourselves.  When I was in school, I heard my professors say over and over again, “You cannot take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself.” And I believe that this is true for all of us.  We are not truly effective parents, employees, or partners if we do not stop to take care ourselves.  This means that maybe you lock yourself in the bathroom so that you can take a hot bath in peace once or twice a week.  Or perhaps you have a Girl’s Night once a month.  Or start running again (or whatever your exercise of choice is) and be sure to schedule that a few times a week.  Similarly we need to take time to nourish our relationships.  Maybe include your partner in that bath.  Or get a babysitter for date night. 

While sometimes it can feel overwhelming to add “one more thing”, the payoff is so worth it.  You feel more yourself.  You remember who you are and why you do everything that you do.

Touch

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of spending time together.  Today, I want to talk about how important touch is to a relationship.  When I say touch, I mean holding hands, hugging, rubbing your partners shoulders, etc.  I mean kissing, both quickly and at length.  I mean sex. 

Quick touches are a way to stay connected; to remind yourselves that you are partners in an intimate relationship, not just roommates or friends.  It is a way to reconnect after a long day, when the chaos is still swirling around you: dinner, kids, working from home, email.  A kiss when you walk in the door.  A touch on the back as you pass.  Holding hands while watching television.

Sex, when it is without resentment or anger, is a way to build the intimacy even more: to be vulnerable, to connect on a purely physical and emotional level.  Sexuality is a basic human need.  It is important to us as humans.  It is important to us as partners in a relationship. 

I regularly assign homework to the couples that I see that involves touch:  Touch each other.  Be physical together.  Don’t let life, chaos and resentment interfere with that aspect of your relationship.  Let go.  Let go with each other. 

Touch is a powerful thing.  It is healing.  It is a way to reconnect.

Take Some Time Together

Thursday, December 22, 2011

One of the things that always strikes me when I talk to couples who are in crisis is how little time they spend together. They usually say that they want to spend time together, but there are just too many other demands: work, children, family obligations, sleep, alone time to recharge and replenish. The problem is that if you don’t spend time with your partner, risk losing the connection and remembering why you chose each other. And when you are feeling distant, everything else in life is more complicated.

I recommend that couples spend at least 10 minutes a day without kids, television, email or other distractions to just check-in. “How are you? How was your day? What made it (good, bad, busy, slow, etc.)?” Try to limit information sharing and stories about the children. Keep the topic to what is happening in your world.

It is also important to go on dates at least once a month. This offers a more extended period of time to spend focusing on each other. You can do anything on these dates, but it is better to not go to the movies—you spend the date with your attention on something or someone other than your partner. I know that there can be a lot of barriers to setting aside time for each other: getting a babysitter, getting home from work early enough, finding the money. But even if you just have dinner at home together after the kids go to bed or eat at the dining room table rather than in front of the television, you are meeting the basic requirement: setting aside an extended period of time to focus on each other, without distractions.

Time together gives you the opportunity to reconnect, recharge your relationship, and remember why this person is important to you.

Take it.

Perfection

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A few months ago, I attended a friend’s wedding in Santa Barbara. At each table at the reception, there was a tiny package of candies for each guest with a saying about love or marriage attached.  I had to smile at the one I received.

“No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.” --Anonymous

I smiled because it can be viewed through two lenses.  It can be viewed through a romantic lens: “Everyone is perfect.” Or, through a less idealized lens: “Even though you think this person is perfect, they really are not.” It also reminded me of what an amazing experience falling in love is. It wipes away imperfections—physical, spiritual, emotional and behavioral. The challenge for couples is to remember that at some point that the One True Love, will no longer be perfect.

One day you will wonder, “Has he always done that?” Or, “That used to be cute, but now is just annoying.” Or even, “Who is this person?” Your friends will nod knowingly.  They have seen the imperfections even when you were too blinded by being in love. 

This is when you see if you can really love and live with the person you fell in love with. Hopefully the imperfections are minor: socks that are tossed on the floor; dishes left undone; checkbooks left unbalanced. And hopefully you are open to realizing that while your love is no longer perfect, neither are you. As a couple, you must learn to forgive each other the foibles and imperfections. Negotiate solutions. And above all love despite the faults of your One True Love.

It can be done. It is not necessarily easy. Relationships are never simple. But it can be done.

Forgive your partner. Forgive yourself.  Move forward.