We want our partners to be at fault. The ones who hold the responsibility for doing the work. But if we really look at what is going on, we can usually find something that we can work on ourselves.
Waiting for our partners to change sets us up for failure. It creates a situation where we can sit back and continue to blame the other person. And often the other person only feels that blame/criticism/attitude which doesn’t give him or her the motivation to change at all. Instead, it sets up a f-you scenario: F-you! You are the one who has to change first! No, you are!
But do you want to know the secret to getting someone else to change? Change something in yourself. If you change something, whether it be your mood, your words, or your attitude, than you will find that your partner will change in response. Their mood, words and attitude may be completely different as well.
It is hard to admit that we have something to change at all. Our instinct is to say: “I am not the one with the problem. You are the one with the problem.” But to be really effective in working on a relationship, we need to be honest with ourselves. What are we doing that contributes to the situation? One person in a relationship is not in a vacuum. He or she is existing with someone else. And maybe a significant piece of the issue is with the other person. But is there a little piece that you should be taking ownership for? Something that you can change in yourself, with your partner?
A classic example of this can be seen with sex. The couple comes to me and he says that she never wants to have sex. She says that she is too tired, busy with kids/work/household. Perhaps she could work on time management, on prioritizing, on making time for the most important relationship in her life. But what could he change? Perhaps if he did the dishes and put the kids to bed, she would find that she has less going on and therefore more room in her mind to set the mental mood for sex.
Another, similar, example: She complains that he wants too much sex and that she feels so much pressure that it is a turn-off. However if she made more of an effort to make time for him (even if it means having sex one more time per week/month than they normally do) then she might feel less pressure and therefore be more open to sex.
This same principle can be found in countless other interactions between partners. I know that you want change in your relationship. I know that your partner wants change. I want there to be less blame and criticism. The best way to accomplish that is to set up the expectation that both people need to do some changing. Here it is again:
The Secret:
1. Step back.
2. Put the feelings on a shelf for a moment.
3. Ask yourself, “What can I change about this situation that may create change in my partner?”
Next time: Setting the Mental Mood
]]>One of the biggest challenges that couples face when they become parents is figuring out how to take what they learned from their parents about what to do (or what not to do) and meld it with someone else’s ideas that they took from their own parents. Suddenly there are not 2 people involved anymore, but 6. One couple and two sets of grandparents. And if you are lucky you are only dealing with the issues you brought from your childhood and not grandparents trying to “contribute” on the day to day affairs.
What types of food. How much TV. Type of school. Should he or she play sports? Which Sports? How to handle peer influences. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.
All of these issues can throw a wrench into the lives of a relatively happy couple. When there are already issues in the relationship, parenting just highlights them even more. The most important thing to do is to sit down with each other after the kids are in bed and talk about it calmly.
“How are WE going to handle [...]?”
“What are WE going to do about [...]?”
“I feel that it is important that WE [...].”
Notice that all of these sentences have an emphasis on the couple. The WE. It is not, “I don’t like it when you [...]” or “You need to stop doing/saying [...]”. Parenting is a partnership. Even if the parents are no longer partners, it is healthier for the children if they are parenting together and using the same techniques rather than fighting over each and every move.
Read books. Talk to other parents about what they do. Talk to your child’s teacher about what he or she suggests (this person has seen and dealt with more behavioral issues than you ever will).
Try not to be defensive. Don’t view it as a criticism. You are working together to parent and you can each draw on your partner’s strengths to make up for you own weaknesses. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes when it comes to parenting. What is important is that we see that these are mistakes and try to rectify them and change. Forgive yourself. Forgive your partner and find new ways of handling frustrating situations.
You are raising a person. You want this person to be a happy, healthy, decent, and loving individual. And for that to happen you need to be as happy, healthy, decent and loving as you can be. To your child, to your partner, to yourself.
“No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.” --Anonymous
I smiled because it can be viewed through two lenses. It can be viewed through a romantic lens: “Everyone is perfect.” Or, through a less idealized lens: “Even though you think this person is perfect, they really are not.” It also reminded me of what an amazing experience falling in love is. It wipes away imperfections—physical, spiritual, emotional and behavioral. The challenge for couples is to remember that at some point that the One True Love, will no longer be perfect.
One day you will wonder, “Has he always done that?” Or, “That used to be cute, but now is just annoying.” Or even, “Who is this person?” Your friends will nod knowingly. They have seen the imperfections even when you were too blinded by being in love.
This is when you see if you can really love and live with the person you fell in love with. Hopefully the imperfections are minor: socks that are tossed on the floor; dishes left undone; checkbooks left unbalanced. And hopefully you are open to realizing that while your love is no longer perfect, neither are you. As a couple, you must learn to forgive each other the foibles and imperfections. Negotiate solutions. And above all love despite the faults of your One True Love.
It can be done. It is not necessarily easy. Relationships are never simple. But it can be done.
Forgive your partner. Forgive yourself. Move forward.
]]>If you are going to a good therapist, this is not what happens.
I tell all of the couples that I see that all relationships are 50-50. While it may feel that you are putting more work and effort into the relationship, it takes two people, each contributing 50% to the relationship and interactions. It is impossible to fight alone. It takes two to tango and two to fight.
But no one wants to admit this. So they come into my office and I hear the following:
“You do [...].
“And because you do [...], [...] happens.
“Well you do [...].
And it just goes back and forth with no one really listening or even caring what the other is saying. Everyone is so focused on what the other person does to make the relationship and them miserable that nothing gets done.
I try to change this focus into a collaboration. Because that is what marriage, a relationship, a partnership really is: a collaboration. It is working together to be happy. Working together to find peace.
“How can we work together to change what is happening in our lives?”
“How can we [...]?
“What can we do to change [...]?
Do you notice the WE? Do you notice that they are questions and not demands or statements? We all have to ask ourselves: My partner is doing [...], what I am doing that is contributing to the dynamic?
I probably will tell your partner that something he or she is doing is a significant factor in the chaos. But I will also say the same thing to you.
We can’t go into therapy expecting that we can sit back and watch our partner do all of the work. We have to expect that we will be asked to work, to change, and to move forward as well. It will be hard. It might hurt. But it is like going to the gym—all of the time, effort, sweat, hard work, and pain will pay off in the long-run: a longer, happier, healthier… relationship.
It all comes back to 50-50.
]]>Quick touches are a way to stay connected; to remind yourselves that you are partners in an intimate relationship, not just roommates or friends. It is a way to reconnect after a long day, when the chaos is still swirling around you: dinner, kids, working from home, email. A kiss when you walk in the door. A touch on the back as you pass. Holding hands while watching television.
Sex, when it is without resentment or anger, is a way to build the intimacy even more: to be vulnerable, to connect on a purely physical and emotional level. Sexuality is a basic human need. It is important to us as humans. It is important to us as partners in a relationship.
I regularly assign homework to the couples that I see that involves touch: Touch each other. Be physical together. Don’t let life, chaos and resentment interfere with that aspect of your relationship. Let go. Let go with each other.
Touch is a powerful thing. It is healing. It is a way to reconnect.
]]>Have you acknowledged that she made an effort to be helpful? That he cooked dinner? That she asked you how your day was?
Have you told him that you love him?
It is amazing how significant the little words of love, acknowledgement and thanks can be in a relationship—especially one that is in conflict. When we don’t hear them we wonder if our partner sees the efforts we are making, appreciates what we contribute, or even if we are loved. But when we do hear them, we know that we are appreciated. We feel motivated to continue to try. We are more likely to say something positive in return.
Every day, find something nice to say. A relationship full of negativity will reflect back just that. In order to get positive results, put positives out there.
]]>I recommend that couples spend at least 10 minutes a day without kids, television, email or other distractions to just check-in. “How are you? How was your day? What made it (good, bad, busy, slow, etc.)?” Try to limit information sharing and stories about the children. Keep the topic to what is happening in your world.
It is also important to go on dates at least once a month. This offers a more extended period of time to spend focusing on each other. You can do anything on these dates, but it is better to not go to the movies—you spend the date with your attention on something or someone other than your partner. I know that there can be a lot of barriers to setting aside time for each other: getting a babysitter, getting home from work early enough, finding the money. But even if you just have dinner at home together after the kids go to bed or eat at the dining room table rather than in front of the television, you are meeting the basic requirement: setting aside an extended period of time to focus on each other, without distractions.
Time together gives you the opportunity to reconnect, recharge your relationship, and remember why this person is important to you.
Take it.
]]>1. Know exactly what you want. This is critical. If you don’t know what you want, then how can your partner? It is important that you know what you are asking for and to be able to be specific. Telling him to clear the table after dinner may lead to a pile of dishes on the kitchen counter. Is that what you really wanted? Or did you also want them to be rinsed and put in the dishwasher? If that is what you want, then you need to say that. “Can you rinse the dinner dishes and put them in the dishwasher while I get the kids in the bath?” You will find that you have a greater likelihood of getting what you want if you spell it out. Don’t assume that she knows what you mean.
2. Be reasonable. No one can give you the stars, no matter how you ask or how much they want to give them to you. Ask yourself, “Is this something that she can really do? Is this something that I would be willing to do?” A good way to get a gauge of how reasonable your request is to ask friends. They will naturally be inclined to take your side, but be open with them about how you really want their opinion. And then be open to hearing that maybe you are being a little unreasonable. It may sting at the moment, but might save you from a huge fight, resentment and sleeping on the couch.
3. Pick the right time. If you ask in the middle of the show that he has been waiting all week (or year) to watch, you are likely to be shot down. If you pick a moment when the kids are screaming, dinner is on the stove, and you just walked in the door, you are also not going to get the response you want. Pick a time when there are no distractions. When there hasn’t been evidence of a bad mood. When the kids are in bed and after she has had a moment to put her feet up. Before you get into bed and are about to turn off the light. No one can think clearly or be open to requests when they are exhausted and stressed.
4. Ask nicely. There is a reason your mother always told you to ask nicely. You get more of what you want than when you demand and yell. Also be aware of the tone you are using. I cannot count the number of times I have heard form couples, “It is not what he said. It is how he said it.” Ask yourself, “How would I like him to ask me to do something?” Then use those words and that tone.
5. Be willing to negotiate. There are just some things that we are not willing to do. We have to respect this in the people we love. Allow him to say, “You know, I really want to watch the Super Bowl next Sunday. Would it be possible for us to have lunch with your mother the week after?” Or, “You know, I never feel like I do a good job with the dishes. Would it be OK for you do to them, and I will start getting the kids into bed?” Then consider the request and if it seems reasonable, take it. Or you can negotiate other terms.
........
I know that it is traditional for most lists to have 5 or 10 items. Nice, neat numbers. But I had to add the following. It is so critical. And so controversial. But it does work.
6. Do what your partner wants you to do. I can already hear the protests, “But I want her to do what I want! This is not about me doing what she wants!” However this is probably the most important way to get what you want from your partner. If you are always saying no, refusing to go along with his plans, having to be the one in charge, then how would that make him or her more likely to do it again. Instead, you are likely to get, “I always have to do what you want! What about what I want?” This will probably lead to anger, resentment, yelling and no one being happy. If you are willing to give in sometimes, then she will be more likely to give in too and do what you want.
There are no guarantees, of course. But if you follow these guidelines, you might be suprised with the positive response.
These are questions that I hear over and over in my office. Humans are social creatures. It is an evolutionary trait. Very early on, we learned that we needed each other to reproduce. We needed each other for protection and food. And we needed each other to feel that we belonged. Some of these motivations are still driving us to find a mate.
A partner. A spouse. Someone to love. Someone who will love us back.
However these evolutionary motivations don’t automatically lead to happily ever after. The reality is that relationships are hard. We are not only dealing with our own personalities, temperament, and lessons learned from families about how to be in a relationship. We are also dealing with someone else’s temperament and family lessons. The situation is further complicated by the fact that our deepest feelings get touched.
Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. It is not just a matter of knowing that it is critical to talk your partner about your feelings. It is about jumping over the fears and worries that consume you and trusting that you can be safe with her. It is about being open to hear that he is angry with you. It is about practicing, and realizing that you may hurt his feelings. It is about apologizing when you do. It is about admitting when you are wrong. It is about not losing control of your most powerful and intense feelings. And the process can go right or awry at any or all of these steps.
I will write weekly about issues that pertain to our most intimate relationships. This may come in the form of helping you to better understand how you and your partner are relating; or, it may be tips and tools on how to make things better. It may be in the form of a review of a book that might be interesting and informative to those who want to work on their relationships; or in answering specific questions.
Whether you come to my office or read my Reflections, my hope is that I can help you to find peace and create joy in your relationships.