Touch

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of spending time together.  Today, I want to talk about how important touch is to a relationship.  When I say touch, I mean holding hands, hugging, rubbing your partners shoulders, etc.  I mean kissing, both quickly and at length.  I mean sex. 

Quick touches are a way to stay connected; to remind yourselves that you are partners in an intimate relationship, not just roommates or friends.  It is a way to reconnect after a long day, when the chaos is still swirling around you: dinner, kids, working from home, email.  A kiss when you walk in the door.  A touch on the back as you pass.  Holding hands while watching television.

Sex, when it is without resentment or anger, is a way to build the intimacy even more: to be vulnerable, to connect on a purely physical and emotional level.  Sexuality is a basic human need.  It is important to us as humans.  It is important to us as partners in a relationship. 

I regularly assign homework to the couples that I see that involves touch:  Touch each other.  Be physical together.  Don’t let life, chaos and resentment interfere with that aspect of your relationship.  Let go.  Let go with each other. 

Touch is a powerful thing.  It is healing.  It is a way to reconnect.

Book Review: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D. & Nan Silver

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple.  Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others.  But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.  They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.  From The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D.& Nan Silver

There is one book on my shelf that I am constantly having to replace.  It is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver.  I am constantly replacing it because I lend it out and don’t get it back.  It is my favorite book to lend to couples because it outlines in very easy to understand and specific ways to improve a marriage. 

Dr. Gottman’s seven principles are: Enhance Your Love Map (know who your partner is); Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration; Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away; Let Your Partner Influence You; Solve Your Solvable Problems; Overcome Gridlock; and Create Shared Meaning.  Dr. Gottman’s basic premise is that you may not always like your partner, but your marriage will be more successful if you like him or her more often than not.  His book aims at helping couples to nurture these positive feelings by exploring each other’s likes, dislikes and dreams.  He also encourages readers to find things to like about each other and to rely on each other.  He also helps couples to find ways to compromise on solvable problems and come to a place of caring and empathy on the problems where compromise cannot be reached. 

This book is a wonderful place for couples to start strengthening and improving their relationships.  Now I just have to get a new copy to replace the most recent one I lost.  Perhaps I will pick up two.

Take Some Time Together

Thursday, December 22, 2011

One of the things that always strikes me when I talk to couples who are in crisis is how little time they spend together. They usually say that they want to spend time together, but there are just too many other demands: work, children, family obligations, sleep, alone time to recharge and replenish. The problem is that if you don’t spend time with your partner, risk losing the connection and remembering why you chose each other. And when you are feeling distant, everything else in life is more complicated.

I recommend that couples spend at least 10 minutes a day without kids, television, email or other distractions to just check-in. “How are you? How was your day? What made it (good, bad, busy, slow, etc.)?” Try to limit information sharing and stories about the children. Keep the topic to what is happening in your world.

It is also important to go on dates at least once a month. This offers a more extended period of time to spend focusing on each other. You can do anything on these dates, but it is better to not go to the movies—you spend the date with your attention on something or someone other than your partner. I know that there can be a lot of barriers to setting aside time for each other: getting a babysitter, getting home from work early enough, finding the money. But even if you just have dinner at home together after the kids go to bed or eat at the dining room table rather than in front of the television, you are meeting the basic requirement: setting aside an extended period of time to focus on each other, without distractions.

Time together gives you the opportunity to reconnect, recharge your relationship, and remember why this person is important to you.

Take it.

Perfection

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A few months ago, I attended a friend’s wedding in Santa Barbara. At each table at the reception, there was a tiny package of candies for each guest with a saying about love or marriage attached.  I had to smile at the one I received.

“No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.” --Anonymous

I smiled because it can be viewed through two lenses.  It can be viewed through a romantic lens: “Everyone is perfect.” Or, through a less idealized lens: “Even though you think this person is perfect, they really are not.” It also reminded me of what an amazing experience falling in love is. It wipes away imperfections—physical, spiritual, emotional and behavioral. The challenge for couples is to remember that at some point that the One True Love, will no longer be perfect.

One day you will wonder, “Has he always done that?” Or, “That used to be cute, but now is just annoying.” Or even, “Who is this person?” Your friends will nod knowingly.  They have seen the imperfections even when you were too blinded by being in love. 

This is when you see if you can really love and live with the person you fell in love with. Hopefully the imperfections are minor: socks that are tossed on the floor; dishes left undone; checkbooks left unbalanced. And hopefully you are open to realizing that while your love is no longer perfect, neither are you. As a couple, you must learn to forgive each other the foibles and imperfections. Negotiate solutions. And above all love despite the faults of your One True Love.

It can be done. It is not necessarily easy. Relationships are never simple. But it can be done.

Forgive your partner. Forgive yourself.  Move forward.

The Secret

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Change is hard.  No one wants to do it.  We want things to work in our lives, but we don’t want to be the ones to have to change.  Or we don’t want to admit that we are the ones who should change. 

We want our partners to be at fault.  The ones who hold the responsibility for doing the work.  But if we really look at what is going on, we can usually find something that we can work on ourselves. 

Waiting for our partners to change sets us up for failure.  It creates a situation where we can sit back and continue to blame the other person.  And often the other person only feels that blame/criticism/attitude which doesn’t give him or her the motivation to change at all.  Instead, it sets up a f-you scenario: F-you!  You are the one who has to change first!  No, you are!

But do you want to know the secret to getting someone else to change?  Change something in yourself. If you change something, whether it be your mood, your words, or your attitude, than you will find that your partner will change in response.  Their mood, words and attitude may be completely different as well. 

It is hard to admit that we have something to change at all.  Our instinct is to say: “I am not the one with the problem.  You are the one with the problem.” But to be really effective in working on a relationship, we need to be honest with ourselves.  What are we doing that contributes to the situation?  One person in a relationship is not in a vacuum.  He or she is existing with someone else.  And maybe a significant piece of the issue is with the other person.  But is there a little piece that you should be taking ownership for?  Something that you can change in yourself, with your partner?

A classic example of this can be seen with sex.  The couple comes to me and he says that she never wants to have sex.  She says that she is too tired, busy with kids/work/household.  Perhaps she could work on time management, on prioritizing, on making time for the most important relationship in her life.  But what could he change?  Perhaps if he did the dishes and put the kids to bed, she would find that she has less going on and therefore more room in her mind to set the mental mood for sex.

Another, similar, example: She complains that he wants too much sex and that she feels so much pressure that it is a turn-off.  However if she made more of an effort to make time for him (even if it means having sex one more time per week/month than they normally do) then she might feel less pressure and therefore be more open to sex.

This same principle can be found in countless other interactions between partners.  I know that you want change in your relationship.  I know that your partner wants change.  I want there to be less blame and criticism.  The best way to accomplish that is to set up the expectation that both people need to do some changing.  Here it is again:

The Secret:
1.  Step back.
2.  Put the feelings on a shelf for a moment.
3.  Ask yourself, “What can I change about this situation that may create change in my partner?”