The Power of Being Nice

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Have you said something nice to your partner today?

Have you acknowledged that she made an effort to be helpful? That he cooked dinner? That she asked you how your day was?

Have you told him that you love him?

It is amazing how significant the little words of love, acknowledgement and thanks can be in a relationship—especially one that is in conflict. When we don’t hear them we wonder if our partner sees the efforts we are making, appreciates what we contribute, or even if we are loved. But when we do hear them, we know that we are appreciated. We feel motivated to continue to try. We are more likely to say something positive in return.

Every day, find something nice to say. A relationship full of negativity will reflect back just that. In order to get positive results, put positives out there.

Parenting Together

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Relationships are never simple. Balancing two people’s needs, wants, desires, and hang-ups are challenging. When you throw parenting into the mix it is even more complex.

One of the biggest challenges that couples face when they become parents is figuring out how to take what they learned from their parents about what to do (or what not to do) and meld it with someone else’s ideas that they took from their own parents. Suddenly there are not 2 people involved anymore, but 6. One couple and two sets of grandparents. And if you are lucky you are only dealing with the issues you brought from your childhood and not grandparents trying to “contribute” on the day to day affairs.

What types of food. How much TV. Type of school. Should he or she play sports? Which Sports? How to handle peer influences. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.

All of these issues can throw a wrench into the lives of a relatively happy couple. When there are already issues in the relationship, parenting just highlights them even more. The most important thing to do is to sit down with each other after the kids are in bed and talk about it calmly.

“How are WE going to handle [...]?”
“What are WE going to do about [...]?”
“I feel that it is important that WE [...].”

Notice that all of these sentences have an emphasis on the couple. The WE. It is not, “I don’t like it when you [...]” or “You need to stop doing/saying [...]”. Parenting is a partnership. Even if the parents are no longer partners, it is healthier for the children if they are parenting together and using the same techniques rather than fighting over each and every move.

Read books. Talk to other parents about what they do. Talk to your child’s teacher about what he or she suggests (this person has seen and dealt with more behavioral issues than you ever will).

Try not to be defensive. Don’t view it as a criticism. You are working together to parent and you can each draw on your partner’s strengths to make up for you own weaknesses.  None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes when it comes to parenting. What is important is that we see that these are mistakes and try to rectify them and change.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive your partner and find new ways of handling frustrating situations. 

You are raising a person.  You want this person to be a happy, healthy, decent, and loving individual.  And for that to happen you need to be as happy, healthy, decent and loving as you can be.  To your child, to your partner, to yourself.

50-50, Or Get to Work

Monday, October 03, 2011

One of the hardest things to realize about couple’s therapy is that you are not coming to fix your partner. This is what everyone wants. They say that they want to fix the relationship, but what they really want is for the therapist to point at their partner and say “You are wrong. Stop what you are doing.” Then everything will be better and life can continue.

If you are going to a good therapist, this is not what happens.

I tell all of the couples that I see that all relationships are 50-50. While it may feel that you are putting more work and effort into the relationship, it takes two people, each contributing 50% to the relationship and interactions. It is impossible to fight alone.  It takes two to tango and two to fight.

But no one wants to admit this. So they come into my office and I hear the following:
“You do [...].
“And because you do [...], [...] happens.
“Well you do [...].
And it just goes back and forth with no one really listening or even caring what the other is saying. Everyone is so focused on what the other person does to make the relationship and them miserable that nothing gets done.

I try to change this focus into a collaboration. Because that is what marriage, a relationship, a partnership really is: a collaboration. It is working together to be happy. Working together to find peace.
“How can we work together to change what is happening in our lives?”
“How can we [...]?
“What can we do to change [...]?
Do you notice the WE? Do you notice that they are questions and not demands or statements?  We all have to ask ourselves: My partner is doing [...], what I am doing that is contributing to the dynamic?

I probably will tell your partner that something he or she is doing is a significant factor in the chaos. But I will also say the same thing to you.

We can’t go into therapy expecting that we can sit back and watch our partner do all of the work.  We have to expect that we will be asked to work, to change, and to move forward as well.  It will be hard.  It might hurt.  But it is like going to the gym—all of the time, effort, sweat, hard work, and pain will pay off in the long-run: a longer, happier, healthier… relationship.

It all comes back to 50-50.

Priorities

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I have been noticing a theme lately: couples put everything else before each other—work, children, email, cell phones, housework.  And the Couple is down at the bottom of the list.  Now I understand sometimes work and kids HAVE to come first.  But it should not be like that every day.  Some days the Couple has to come first.  Some days emails, work and phone calls can be put off to later. 

* It’s OK to say to the kids: “You go play in the other room.  Mommy and Daddy are going to talk for a little while.” Then take a few minutes to catch up on your day away from each other.  Talk about the things that are important or interesting to you.  Listen to your partner about what is important and interesting to him or her.  Pay attention.  Ask questions. 
* After the kids go to bed, don’t focus first on the housework that needs to be finished.  First pay attention to each other.  Catch-up; touch each other.  Trust me, the laundry and dishes will still be there in 30 minutes.
* Find a trustworthy babysitter and go out together.  Do something that you both enjoy without the children.
* Designate a 30 minute period each evening to ignore the cell phones, emails, and turn off the TV.  Focus on your partner.  Touch each other.  Laugh.

Make the Couple a priority in your life.

Put the Chemistry Back Into a “Sexless Marriage”

Monday, September 05, 2011

A couple of years ago, an article appeared entitled When Sex Leaves the Marriage on the NY Times Website.  In it, the author spoke with a sociologist who studies the sexless marriage.  A sexless marriage is one in which a couple rarely or never has sex, specifically intercourse.  This can be for a variety of reasons, including: health and disability issues, lack of time, desire or other relationship issues.  Often couples in this situation find themselves in this place and don’t remember exactly how they got there and don’t know how to get out of it.  The important thing is to remember that it can get better.  With commitment and participation by both partners, a marriage can go from sexless to very sensual.

One thing that is important to remember is that a marriage needs to be nurtured.  I often see couples who have neglected their relationship and then come to me years later wondering why it has fallen apart and why they have fallen out of love.  When a sexual relationship is neglected, couples can feel hurt, ashamed, angry and self-conscious.  They suddenly realize that they are uncomfortable and unsure how to reconnect on an intimate, sexual level. 

The most critical way to reconnect is to communicate.  Talk about the distance that has developed between you.  Talk about how you might close that distance.  If you or your partner has too much anger to talk and listen, then it is important that you see a professional who can help you to reopen the lines of healthy communication .  Next, realize that reconnecting will take time.  Time to relearn why you fell in love; who this person has developed into; who you have developed into.  It is also about time alone, without children, friends or in-laws to distract you.  Whether it be going out for dinner alone or eating after the kids go to bed.  Be together.  Talk about your interests.  Where you want the relationship to go.  Really listen to your partner’s wishes and desires.  When you are ready to start being physically intimate again, if you find yourself feeling shy and uncomfortable, start slowly.  Start with just touching each other’s hands or feet or head.  Allow yourself to relax and be sensual in each other’s presence.  You will likely find that you start to become more and more comfortable with each other.  Also remember what every lesbian couple knows, that sex is not just intercourse.  Sex is any type of intimate touch.  Even hand holding can be considered sex!  Be sensual together.  Caress.  Kiss.  Take baths together.  And if you still find yourselves stuck in the discomfort or anger, please see a professional therapist or counselor who specializes in sex therapy and can help you to communication and find ways to become more comfortable with yourself and each other.  It can get better!