The Power of Being Nice

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Have you said something nice to your partner today?

Have you acknowledged that she made an effort to be helpful? That he cooked dinner? That she asked you how your day was?

Have you told him that you love him?

It is amazing how significant the little words of love, acknowledgement and thanks can be in a relationship—especially one that is in conflict. When we don’t hear them we wonder if our partner sees the efforts we are making, appreciates what we contribute, or even if we are loved. But when we do hear them, we know that we are appreciated. We feel motivated to continue to try. We are more likely to say something positive in return.

Every day, find something nice to say. A relationship full of negativity will reflect back just that. In order to get positive results, put positives out there.

Take Some Time Together

Thursday, May 01, 2008

One of the things that always strikes me when I talk to couples who are in crisis is how little time they spend together. They usually say that they want to spend time together, but there are just too many other demands: work, children, family obligations, sleep, alone time to recharge and replenish. The problem is that if you don’t spend time with your partner, risk losing the connection and remembering why you chose each other. And when you are feeling distant, everything else in life is more complicated.

I recommend that couples spend at least 10 minutes a day without kids, television, email or other distractions to just check-in. “How are you? How was your day? What made it (good, bad, busy, slow, etc.)?” Try to limit information sharing and stories about the children. Keep the topic to what is happening in your world.

It is also important to go on dates at least once a month. This offers a more extended period of time to spend focusing on each other. You can do anything on these dates, but it is better to not go to the movies—you spend the date with your attention on something or someone other than your partner. I know that there can be a lot of barriers to setting aside time for each other: getting a babysitter, getting home from work early enough, finding the money. But even if you just have dinner at home together after the kids go to bed or eat at the dining room table rather than in front of the television, you are meeting the basic requirement: setting aside an extended period of time to focus on each other, without distractions.

Time together gives you the opportunity to reconnect, recharge your relationship, and remember why this person is important to you.

Take it.

The Top Ways to Get Your Partner to Do What You Want

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Here are the top 5 6 ways to get your partner to do what you want:

1. Know exactly what you want. This is critical. If you don’t know what you want, then how can your partner? It is important that you know what you are asking for and to be able to be specific. Telling him to clear the table after dinner may lead to a pile of dishes on the kitchen counter. Is that what you really wanted? Or did you also want them to be rinsed and put in the dishwasher? If that is what you want, then you need to say that. “Can you rinse the dinner dishes and put them in the dishwasher while I get the kids in the bath?” You will find that you have a greater likelihood of getting what you want if you spell it out. Don’t assume that she knows what you mean.

2. Be reasonable. No one can give you the stars, no matter how you ask or how much they want to give them to you. Ask yourself, “Is this something that she can really do? Is this something that I would be willing to do?” A good way to get a gauge of how reasonable your request is to ask friends. They will naturally be inclined to take your side, but be open with them about how you really want their opinion. And then be open to hearing that maybe you are being a little unreasonable. It may sting at the moment, but might save you from a huge fight, resentment and sleeping on the couch.

3. Pick the right time. If you ask in the middle of the show that he has been waiting all week (or year) to watch, you are likely to be shot down. If you pick a moment when the kids are screaming, dinner is on the stove, and you just walked in the door, you are also not going to get the response you want. Pick a time when there are no distractions. When there hasn’t been evidence of a bad mood. When the kids are in bed and after she has had a moment to put her feet up. Before you get into bed and are about to turn off the light. No one can think clearly or be open to requests when they are exhausted and stressed.

4. Ask nicely. There is a reason your mother always told you to ask nicely. You get more of what you want than when you demand and yell. Also be aware of the tone you are using. I cannot count the number of times I have heard form couples, “It is not what he said. It is how he said it.” Ask yourself, “How would I like him to ask me to do something?” Then use those words and that tone.

5. Be willing to negotiate. There are just some things that we are not willing to do. We have to respect this in the people we love. Allow him to say, “You know, I really want to watch the Super Bowl next Sunday. Would it be possible for us to have lunch with your mother the week after?” Or, “You know, I never feel like I do a good job with the dishes. Would it be OK for you do to them, and I will start getting the kids into bed?” Then consider the request and if it seems reasonable, take it. Or you can negotiate other terms.

........

I know that it is traditional for most lists to have 5 or 10 items.  Nice, neat numbers.  But I had to add the following.  It is so critical.  And so controversial.  But it does work.

6. Do what your partner wants you to do. I can already hear the protests, “But I want her to do what I want! This is not about me doing what she wants!” However this is probably the most important way to get what you want from your partner. If you are always saying no, refusing to go along with his plans, having to be the one in charge, then how would that make him or her more likely to do it again. Instead, you are likely to get, “I always have to do what you want! What about what I want?” This will probably lead to anger, resentment, yelling and no one being happy. If you are willing to give in sometimes, then she will be more likely to give in too and do what you want.

There are no guarantees, of course.  But if you follow these guidelines, you might be suprised with the positive response.

More About Reflections

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Why do I keep falling in love only to have my heart broken again?  Why do I fall in love with people who are so wrong for me?  Why can’t I get over her?  Why does my ex hate me so much? 

These are questions that I hear over and over in my office.  Humans are social creatures.  It is an evolutionary trait.  Very early on, we learned that we needed each other to reproduce.  We needed each other for protection and food.  And we needed each other to feel that we belonged.  Some of these motivations are still driving us to find a mate. 

A partner.  A spouse.  Someone to love.  Someone who will love us back.

However these evolutionary motivations don’t automatically lead to happily ever after.  The reality is that relationships are hard.  We are not only dealing with our own personalities, temperament, and lessons learned from families about how to be in a relationship.  We are also dealing with someone else’s temperament and family lessons.  The situation is further complicated by the fact that our deepest feelings get touched.

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers.  It is not just a matter of knowing that it is critical to talk your partner about your feelings.  It is about jumping over the fears and worries that consume you and trusting that you can be safe with her.  It is about being open to hear that he is angry with you.  It is about practicing, and realizing that you may hurt his feelings.  It is about apologizing when you do.  It is about admitting when you are wrong.  It is about not losing control of your most powerful and intense feelings.  And the process can go right or awry at any or all of these steps.

I will write weekly about issues that pertain to our most intimate relationships.  This may come in the form of helping you to better understand how you and your partner are relating; or, it may be tips and tools on how to make things better.  It may be in the form of a review of a book that might be interesting and informative to those who want to work on their relationships; or in answering specific questions.

Whether you come to my office or read my Reflections, my hope is that I can help you to find peace and create joy in your relationships.