The Secret

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Change is hard.  No one wants to do it.  We want things to work in our lives, but we don’t want to be the ones to have to change.  Or we don’t want to admit that we are the ones who should change. 

We want our partners to be at fault.  The ones who hold the responsibility for doing the work.  But if we really look at what is going on, we can usually find something that we can work on ourselves. 

Waiting for our partners to change sets us up for failure.  It creates a situation where we can sit back and continue to blame the other person.  And often the other person only feels that blame/criticism/attitude which doesn’t give him or her the motivation to change at all.  Instead, it sets up a f-you scenario: F-you!  You are the one who has to change first!  No, you are!

But do you want to know the secret to getting someone else to change?  Change something in yourself. If you change something, whether it be your mood, your words, or your attitude, than you will find that your partner will change in response.  Their mood, words and attitude may be completely different as well. 

It is hard to admit that we have something to change at all.  Our instinct is to say: “I am not the one with the problem.  You are the one with the problem.” But to be really effective in working on a relationship, we need to be honest with ourselves.  What are we doing that contributes to the situation?  One person in a relationship is not in a vacuum.  He or she is existing with someone else.  And maybe a significant piece of the issue is with the other person.  But is there a little piece that you should be taking ownership for?  Something that you can change in yourself, with your partner?

A classic example of this can be seen with sex.  The couple comes to me and he says that she never wants to have sex.  She says that she is too tired, busy with kids/work/household.  Perhaps she could work on time management, on prioritizing, on making time for the most important relationship in her life.  But what could he change?  Perhaps if he did the dishes and put the kids to bed, she would find that she has less going on and therefore more room in her mind to set the mental mood for sex.

Another, similar, example: She complains that he wants too much sex and that she feels so much pressure that it is a turn-off.  However if she made more of an effort to make time for him (even if it means having sex one more time per week/month than they normally do) then she might feel less pressure and therefore be more open to sex.

This same principle can be found in countless other interactions between partners.  I know that you want change in your relationship.  I know that your partner wants change.  I want there to be less blame and criticism.  The best way to accomplish that is to set up the expectation that both people need to do some changing.  Here it is again:

The Secret:
1.  Step back.
2.  Put the feelings on a shelf for a moment.
3.  Ask yourself, “What can I change about this situation that may create change in my partner?”

Next time: Setting the Mental Mood

Parenting Together

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Relationships are never simple. Balancing two people’s needs, wants, desires, and hang-ups are challenging. When you throw parenting into the mix it is even more complex.

One of the biggest challenges that couples face when they become parents is figuring out how to take what they learned from their parents about what to do (or what not to do) and meld it with someone else’s ideas that they took from their own parents. Suddenly there are not 2 people involved anymore, but 6. One couple and two sets of grandparents. And if you are lucky you are only dealing with the issues you brought from your childhood and not grandparents trying to “contribute” on the day to day affairs.

What types of food. How much TV. Type of school. Should he or she play sports? Which Sports? How to handle peer influences. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.

All of these issues can throw a wrench into the lives of a relatively happy couple. When there are already issues in the relationship, parenting just highlights them even more. The most important thing to do is to sit down with each other after the kids are in bed and talk about it calmly.

“How are WE going to handle [...]?”
“What are WE going to do about [...]?”
“I feel that it is important that WE [...].”

Notice that all of these sentences have an emphasis on the couple. The WE. It is not, “I don’t like it when you [...]” or “You need to stop doing/saying [...]”. Parenting is a partnership. Even if the parents are no longer partners, it is healthier for the children if they are parenting together and using the same techniques rather than fighting over each and every move.

Read books. Talk to other parents about what they do. Talk to your child’s teacher about what he or she suggests (this person has seen and dealt with more behavioral issues than you ever will).

Try not to be defensive. Don’t view it as a criticism. You are working together to parent and you can each draw on your partner’s strengths to make up for you own weaknesses.  None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes when it comes to parenting. What is important is that we see that these are mistakes and try to rectify them and change.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive your partner and find new ways of handling frustrating situations. 

You are raising a person.  You want this person to be a happy, healthy, decent, and loving individual.  And for that to happen you need to be as happy, healthy, decent and loving as you can be.  To your child, to your partner, to yourself.

Perfection

Thursday, July 03, 2008

A few months ago, I attended a friend’s wedding in Santa Barbara. At each table at the reception, there was a tiny package of candies for each guest with a saying about love or marriage attached.  I had to smile at the one I received.

“No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.” --Anonymous

I smiled because it can be viewed through two lenses.  It can be viewed through a romantic lens: “Everyone is perfect.” Or, through a less idealized lens: “Even though you think this person is perfect, they really are not.” It also reminded me of what an amazing experience falling in love is. It wipes away imperfections—physical, spiritual, emotional and behavioral. The challenge for couples is to remember that at some point that the One True Love, will no longer be perfect.

One day you will wonder, “Has he always done that?” Or, “That used to be cute, but now is just annoying.” Or even, “Who is this person?” Your friends will nod knowingly.  They have seen the imperfections even when you were too blinded by being in love. 

This is when you see if you can really love and live with the person you fell in love with. Hopefully the imperfections are minor: socks that are tossed on the floor; dishes left undone; checkbooks left unbalanced. And hopefully you are open to realizing that while your love is no longer perfect, neither are you. As a couple, you must learn to forgive each other the foibles and imperfections. Negotiate solutions. And above all love despite the faults of your One True Love.

It can be done. It is not necessarily easy. Relationships are never simple. But it can be done.

Forgive your partner. Forgive yourself.  Move forward.

50-50, Or Get to Work

Thursday, June 12, 2008

One of the hardest things to realize about couple’s therapy is that you are not coming to fix your partner. This is what everyone wants. They say that they want to fix the relationship, but what they really want is for the therapist to point at their partner and say “You are wrong. Stop what you are doing.” Then everything will be better and life can continue.

If you are going to a good therapist, this is not what happens.

I tell all of the couples that I see that all relationships are 50-50. While it may feel that you are putting more work and effort into the relationship, it takes two people, each contributing 50% to the relationship and interactions. It is impossible to fight alone.  It takes two to tango and two to fight.

But no one wants to admit this. So they come into my office and I hear the following:
“You do [...].
“And because you do [...], [...] happens.
“Well you do [...].
And it just goes back and forth with no one really listening or even caring what the other is saying. Everyone is so focused on what the other person does to make the relationship and them miserable that nothing gets done.

I try to change this focus into a collaboration. Because that is what marriage, a relationship, a partnership really is: a collaboration. It is working together to be happy. Working together to find peace.
“How can we work together to change what is happening in our lives?”
“How can we [...]?
“What can we do to change [...]?
Do you notice the WE? Do you notice that they are questions and not demands or statements?  We all have to ask ourselves: My partner is doing [...], what I am doing that is contributing to the dynamic?

I probably will tell your partner that something he or she is doing is a significant factor in the chaos. But I will also say the same thing to you.

We can’t go into therapy expecting that we can sit back and watch our partner do all of the work.  We have to expect that we will be asked to work, to change, and to move forward as well.  It will be hard.  It might hurt.  But it is like going to the gym—all of the time, effort, sweat, hard work, and pain will pay off in the long-run: a longer, happier, healthier… relationship.

It all comes back to 50-50.

Touch

Thursday, May 15, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the importance of spending time together.  Today, I want to talk about how important touch is to a relationship.  When I say touch, I mean holding hands, hugging, rubbing your partners shoulders, etc.  I mean kissing, both quickly and at length.  I mean sex. 

Quick touches are a way to stay connected; to remind yourselves that you are partners in an intimate relationship, not just roommates or friends.  It is a way to reconnect after a long day, when the chaos is still swirling around you: dinner, kids, working from home, email.  A kiss when you walk in the door.  A touch on the back as you pass.  Holding hands while watching television.

Sex, when it is without resentment or anger, is a way to build the intimacy even more: to be vulnerable, to connect on a purely physical and emotional level.  Sexuality is a basic human need.  It is important to us as humans.  It is important to us as partners in a relationship. 

I regularly assign homework to the couples that I see that involves touch:  Touch each other.  Be physical together.  Don’t let life, chaos and resentment interfere with that aspect of your relationship.  Let go.  Let go with each other. 

Touch is a powerful thing.  It is healing.  It is a way to reconnect.